{"id":1241,"date":"2013-06-20T07:29:23","date_gmt":"2013-06-20T14:29:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/?p=1241"},"modified":"2013-06-20T07:29:23","modified_gmt":"2013-06-20T14:29:23","slug":"expert-insights-all-about-stepmoms-with-peggy-nolan-of-the-stepmoms-toolbox","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/2013\/06\/20\/expert-insights-all-about-stepmoms-with-peggy-nolan-of-the-stepmoms-toolbox\/","title":{"rendered":"Expert Insights: All About Stepmoms with Peggy Nolan of The Stepmom\u2019s Toolbox"},"content":{"rendered":"

by\u00a0Michelle LaRowe
\n<\/a><\/strong>Editor in Chief<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>With over half of all marriages ending in divorce and half of all children under the age of 13 living with one biological parent and that parent\u2019s partner, according to Stepfamily.org, step families are becoming more prevalent and more common. What makes them the same and what makes them different than first or original families? Recently I had a chance to circle around with Peggy Nolan of The Stepmom\u2019s Toolbox to learn about the unique role stepmoms play in today\u2019s families. Here\u2019s a bit of what she had to say.<\/em><\/p>\n

eNannySource: What are the three most common myths surrounding the role of a stepmom?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Peggy:<\/strong> The most common mythos surrounding the stepmom role is The Wicked Evil Stepmother, perpetuated in folklore and brought forward into our modern day storytelling by none other than Walt Disney. Stories like Cinderella, Snow White and Hansel and Gretel paint stepmoms as spiteful, greedy, jealous and vain women. Many women in the stepmom role spend a lot of energy dispelling this myth to those in their circle of influence. Another myth is that stepmoms are home wreckers. Modern stories like Stepmom (starring Julia Roberts) and The Other Woman (based on the book Love and Other Impossible Pursuits<\/em>, starring Natalie Portman) depict the stepmom as a home wrecker. Most stepmoms are kind, loving and caring women who simply find themselves in no man\u2019s land when it comes to being a stepmom. Most stepmoms are not notorious home wreckers. In fact, most women enter into a relationship with a man with kids after he\u2019s divorced. Another common myth is that stepfamilies are just like first families. This couldn\u2019t be further from the truth. Unfortunately, a 1970\u2019s sitcom portrayed a stepfamily as a happy bunch who immediately clicked, rarely argued and all problems were solved in 30 minutes or less. Many new stepfamilies are under the illusion that their family will integrate as soon as the \u201cI do\u2019s\u201d are said. This illusion is in direct conflict with reality. It takes time for stepfamilies to integrate. It also takes the Three P\u2019s \u2013 Patience, Persistence and Perspiration.<\/p>\n

eNannySource:<\/strong> How do you define the role of a stepmom?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Peggy: <\/strong>I define the role of stepmom as any woman who is in a long-term relationship with a man who has kids from a previous relationship. Women in the role of stepmom are not their stepkids\u2019 mom. A stepmom may do mom things, but this does not make her the mom. Stepmoms are another adult who cares for and loves their partner\u2019s children.<\/p>\n

eNannySource:<\/strong> How can step families work to coordinate childcare so it\u2019s seamless?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Peggy: <\/strong>This seems to be one of the trickiest parts of step family dynamics. Even with the best co-parenting, glitches happen. Someone is late for pick up or drop off. Someone forgets it\u2019s his or her weekend to take the kids. In high conflict situations, these glitches can escalate rapidly. If the parents have a difficult time communicating, many times the stepmom will step in and attempt to be the peacemaker and \u201cfix\u201d the problem. This can be risky, as now the stepmom has put herself in the direct line of fire from three different sides \u2013 her husband, his ex and the kids. In lieu of good communication between the co-parents, there are tools that stepfamilies can use to coordinate childcare, such as Our Family Wizard or other online calendaring tools.<\/p>\n

eNannySource:<\/strong> How long does it take a step family to function as a cohesive family unit?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Peggy: <\/strong>On average it takes seven years for a step family to integrate. Some may integrate sooner, some later, and some may never integrate. One of the biggest mistakes step families make is to make their stepfamily become a first family. Stepfamilies are not first families in any way, shape or form. Every attempt to make them so is like trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It\u2019s important for stepfamilies to practice becoming a stepfamily: Practice communication, practice relationship investment, practice building trust, practice getting to know each other, and for the couple \u2013 practice date night, practice united parenting, practice making your relationship a priority. It takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert in anything. And if the average stepfamily integration takes seven years \u2013 that\u2019s four hours of stepfamily practice every day for seven years. I did the math. It equals 10,200 hours.<\/p>\n

eNannySource:<\/strong> What’s your best advice for new stepmoms?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Peggy: <\/strong>My best advice comes from my wonderful husband. It worked for me and it works for everyone I pass it on to. When I suddenly found myself as a custodial stepmom to my husband\u2019s youngest son, I asked my husband how he wanted me to play the stepmom gig. \u201cBe your wonderful self,\u201d he told me. \u201cYou can\u2019t go wrong with that!\u201d<\/p>\n

This advice works because it\u2019s simply too exhausting to be anyone else. As the stepmom, you are not the mom. Don\u2019t try to be her. Don\u2019t try to outdo her or be better than her. It\u2019s not a competition, so don\u2019t make it one. Don\u2019t compare yourself to the ex-wife. That will only serve to create jealousy and self-doubt. Just be the wonderful you that you are. Trust me, you\u2019ll do more for your marriage and relationship with your stepkids when you live from your true center.<\/p>\n

In the fabulous words of Oscar Wilde, \u201cBe yourself. Everyone else is already taken.\u201d<\/p>\n

eNannySource:<\/strong> What’s the most common mistakes new stepmoms make? What’s your best advice to combat it? \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Peggy: <\/strong>I believe one of the most common mistakes new stepmoms make is trying to create a first family experience in a stepfamily. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. If you keep hammering a square peg into a round hole you\u2019ll remain frustrated. You can try to shave off the ends, but that won\u2019t work for long. Successful stepmoms know that this is a marathon and not a sprint. It takes time to merge households. It takes time to integrate kids from different relationships. It takes time to get on the same page with your partner about parenting, finances, household responsibilities and shared goals.<\/p>\n

eNannySource:<\/strong> Anything else you’d like to share?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Peggy: <\/strong>The best thing women in the stepmom role can do for themselves is practice self-care. Too many women run themselves into the ground by trying to be everything to everyone. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest. Eat right. Spend time in silence through mediation or prayer every day. Get at least 30 minutes of physical exercise a day. Pursue a hobby or dream that brings you joy. Focus on your relationship with yourself first. Why? Because we teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. If you want to feel loved and appreciated by your man and those you love, you must love and appreciate yourself. Self-care is as necessary as oxygen!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Peggy Nolan is a leading authority on self-care and personal development for women in the stepmom role.\u00a0 She has been referred to as the \u201cSelf-Care Queen\u201d by her peers and clients because of her strategies to reduce and manage stress work. Peggy has been part of a stepfamily for over 40 years. She knows what it\u2019s like to be a step-daughter, a step-sister and a stepmom. Peggy is the mom of two adult children, the bonus mom of four adult children and the grandmother of two. Peggy\u2019s articles have been featured in The Huffington Post, Divine Caroline, The Diva Toolbox, Applaud Women, Aspire and StepMom Magazine. Peggy has also interviewed numerous leading experts in stepfamilies on her highly acclaimed internet radio show, The Stepmom\u2019s Toolbox Radio Show. You can connect with Peggy at <\/em>http:\/\/thestepmomstoolbox.com<\/a><\/em>, <\/em>http:\/\/21dayaffirmationchallenge.com<\/a><\/em> and <\/em>http:\/\/self-care101.com<\/a><\/em>.\u00a0<\/em><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by\u00a0Michelle LaRowe Editor in Chief With over half of all marriages ending in divorce and half of all children under the age of 13 living with one biological parent and that parent\u2019s partner, according to Stepfamily.org, step families are becoming … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1241","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1241","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1241"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1241\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1246,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1241\/revisions\/1246"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1241"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1241"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1241"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}