{"id":1251,"date":"2013-06-23T02:00:10","date_gmt":"2013-06-23T09:00:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/?p=1251"},"modified":"2013-06-21T05:47:15","modified_gmt":"2013-06-21T12:47:15","slug":"expert-insights-on-creating-happy-kids-with-dr-sharin-sherkat-parent-strategist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/2013\/06\/23\/expert-insights-on-creating-happy-kids-with-dr-sharin-sherkat-parent-strategist\/","title":{"rendered":"Expert Insights on Creating Happy Kids with Dr. Sharin Sherkat, Parent Strategist"},"content":{"rendered":"

by\u00a0Michelle LaRowe
\n<\/a><\/strong>Editor in Chief<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>When it comes to kids, it takes more than video games and candy to keep them truly happy. No one knows that more than Dr. Sharin Sherkat, parent strategist and author of Create Happy Kids. Recently I had a chance to connect with Dr. Sherkat and learn what she thinks defines a happy kid and how she empowers parents to create one.<\/em><\/p>\n

eNannySource: How do you define a happy kid?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dr. Sherkat:<\/strong>\u00a0Happy kids can take many forms. In my book, I describe \u201chappy kids\u201d as ones who can be defined by 12 important factors.\u00a0 Happy kids are those who:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Understand what you, and other adults,\u00a0expect from them.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0This occurs when people in their environment explain expectations in a positive, clear and concise manner.<\/li>\n
  2. Are honored; they feel: heard, respected and\u00a0validated<\/em><\/strong>.<\/li>\n
  3. Understand what to expect<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0from their parents and the environment. They know, for the most part, what the rules are, because someone (the parent) defines clear boundaries, rules and expectations every day. Even if kids are testing those rules, they still know what they are.<\/li>\n
  4. Can expect, to a great extent,\u00a0some routine and structure<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0from their environment. Structure and some predictability create a great sense of security in kids. This is very important for healthy growth.<\/li>\n
  5. Have parents who tell and show them they\u2019re\u00a0loved unconditionally<\/em><\/strong>.<\/li>\n
  6. Are allowed to make\u00a0some<\/em>\u00a0mistakes in a\u00a0supportive environment<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 When a child\u2019s behavior is criticized, it\u2019s not the same as if their character is being judged.<\/li>\n
  7. Are motivated<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0by loved ones to make good choices.<\/li>\n
  8. Understand the difference between\u00a0privileges and rights.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 Children need to understand that their rights are always respected and privileges are always\u00a0earned<\/em>.<\/li>\n
  9. Are\u00a0noticed and rewarded<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0for making good decisions. Children feel validated when they makes good choices. Kids, their good decisions and their desirable behaviors should be rewarded by their parents.<\/li>\n
  10. Are\u00a0learning how to cope<\/em><\/strong>, thrive and face challenges (in an age-appropriate way).<\/li>\n
  11. Are learning to face the\u00a0natural consequences<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0of their choices (whether good or poor choices). As a result, children strive to make improvements and try their best because more than anything, they remain\u00a0hopeful<\/em>.<\/li>\n
  12. Are\u00a0learning how to negotiate<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0and assert themselves while respecting others.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    eNannySource:<\/strong>\u00a0Why are power struggles so common?<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Dr. Sherkat:<\/strong>\u00a0Because in one corner, we have parents who want the BEST for their kids; they have the know-how and the benefits of age and experience. And in the other corner, we have the kids with will power! The kids are developing their personalities, their own opinions; they are exercising the right to push limits and test boundaries, which by the way is super healthy for their development. Parents, on the other hand, are setting firm limits, as they should! This is why we have power struggles. Having these power struggles is normal and, to some level, even necessary for healthy growth.<\/p>\n

    However, “too many power struggles” is usually defined this way: When a parent feels that most requests placed on the child are faced with arguments and defiance, then we are talking about an ‘unhealthy’ level of power struggles.<\/p>\n

    Power struggles are more common than they should be, because parents forget to use the tools they have to empower and motivate kids to make better choices. That happens mainly because kids are so good at wearing parents down and exhausting them to a point where parents forget the tools they have to help the kids be more motivated to take care of their own responsibilities, and that’s where I usually come in! I give parents the tool, or remind them of the ones they have, that they can use to empower their kids to make better choices and to not argue so much!<\/p>\n

    eNannySource: How can parents stop them?<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Dr. Sherkat:<\/strong>\u00a0Here are 5 key steps to stopping power struggles:<\/p>\n

    1) First, Remind the kids of their\u00a0Rights vs. Privileges<\/strong><\/p>\n

    2) Assure kids: “I will always protect your rights”<\/p>\n

    3) Help kids understand how to EARN their privileges<\/p>\n

    4) Be concise, clear & concrete about what you expect from kids<\/p>\n

    5) Make sure privileges are only EARNED.<\/p>\n

    For example if your 7-year-old son,\u00a0Alex<\/em>, has to complete his homework before earning the\u00a0privilege<\/em>\u00a0of going over to his friend\u2019s house, then that should be clearly spelled out and Alex should earn that privilege only after completing his homework. I often suggest to parents to provide a supportive and positive statement like: “Alex I want you to earn the privilege of going to your friend’s.”<\/p>\n

    eNannySource: \u00a0How can parents motivate their children to make good choices?<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Dr. Sherkat:<\/strong>\u00a0GREAT question….Once the above steps are accomplished, there is one tool that I often share with families: the Magical Sentence, as I call it, is very motivating!<\/p>\n

    “FIRST ______________, THEN ___________”<\/p>\n

    This sentence MUST be used correctly. Any other version of it is not effective. For example, used correctly: “Alex, FIRST complete your math homework, THEN you can go to your friend’s house.\u201d Please note, the first part of this sentence, which contains Alex’s responsibility, is short and clear–you want to use under seven words! Also, note the sentence is positive.\u00a0<\/strong>Here is an example of an incorrect version:<\/p>\n

    “IF you don’t finish your homework, you won\u2019t get to go play with your friend.”<\/p>\n

    eNannySource: What\u2019s the most common mistake parents make?<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Dr. Sherkat:<\/strong>\u00a0Not listening to their kids’ point of view. Not really hearing the child. Parents are often in too much of a hurry to let their kids finish a thought or expression of a feeling. So they miss out on their kids’ point of view. What is the\u00a0second<\/em>\u00a0most common mistake? Not validating their kids’ feelings. \u00a0If you say to your four-year-old, “I hear you are feeling angry at me for not letting you play right now” it\u00a0doesn’t mean you agree with your kid<\/em>, it just means you validated a feeling. \u00a0Parents who experience power struggles often forget the power of validation and, unfortunately, forget to use this highly effective tool for healthy communication. This is sometimes because parents may feel that by validating their kid’s feeling during an argument it may mean that they agree with their child.<\/p>\n

    eNannySource: \u00a0What\u2019s your best advice for today\u2019s parents?<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Dr. Sherkat:<\/strong>\u00a0You want to create a good listener in your kid? Model it.<\/p>\n

    eNannySource: Is there anything else you would like to share?<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Dr. Sherkat:<\/strong>\u00a0When spending time with kids, be present.\u00a0<\/strong>Take a moment to see the kids’ world from their point of view. \u00a0It’s beautiful!<\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    Sharin Sherkat, Psy.D. is on a mission to honor children and empower parents around the world with proven, road-tested and simple parenting strategies that reduce struggles and add more joy for every member of the family.\u00a0 The author of\u00a0Create Happy Kids<\/strong>, Dr. Sherkat is known as \u201cthe child whisperer\u201d by many happy families who value her gift to see each child\u2019s perspective as they use her methods to bring harmony to their formerly conflicted families.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

    She teaches parenting workshops and shares keynote presentations to parenting groups that put preventive strategies center stage. Dr. Sherkat grew up in Vancouver, Canada, earned a Bachelor of Science degree in psychology from the University of Washington and later earned a Doctorate in clinical psychology at the California School of Professional Psychology in San Diego.\u00a0 She resides in Kirkland, Washington.<\/em><\/p>\n

    To learn more about Dr. Sherkat, visit\u00a0<\/em>www.CreateHappyKids.com<\/em><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    by\u00a0Michelle LaRowe Editor in Chief When it comes to kids, it takes more than video games and candy to keep them truly happy. No one knows that more than Dr. Sharin Sherkat, parent strategist and author of Create Happy Kids. … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1251","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1251","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1251"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1251\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1259,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1251\/revisions\/1259"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1251"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1251"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.enannysource.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1251"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}