Put a Stop to Nightmares: Tips for Soothing Your Child to Sleep

July 14, 2014

Those bedtime stalls with pleas for water, cuddling or just one more book can be frustrating as a parent or nanny, but they can also be a sign that your child is having nightmares and is fearful of falling asleep. Nightmares can be frightful for your little one and cause resistance at bedtime.

“When your child has a nightmare, he or she is trying to process something they perceived as negative the previous day,” says Lauri Loewenberg, dream expert and author of Dream on It: Unlock Your Dreams, Change Your Life.

Unlock the root of the problem by learning how to soothe your child to sleep and fully understand the nightmares he or she is experiencing.

The Dreaming Process

Although it would be ideal for a child to dream only of sugar plums and fairy tales, the reality is that many children face their greatest fears when they close their eyes at night. “Dreaming is a thinking process,” says Loewenberg. “It is a continuation of the thoughts that went through your mind during the day and once you go to sleep and enter the REM (the dream state), your thinking shifts from the literal conscious mind to the symbolic subconscious mind.”

If something troubles your child at night, you can bet you’ll find the culprit by examining your child’s previous day. Did she experience a disappointment, punishment or confrontation with another child? Talking through your child’s problems prior to bed can help put his or her mind at ease before falling into sweet slumber.

Nightmares Unveiled

If you find that your child’s nightmares sound familiar, don’t be surprised. Many children experience some of the same fearful dreams as a natural part of child development. Some of the most common dreams include:

• Getting Eaten: According to Loewenberg, this is especially common for very young children. “While we, as adults may say, ‘You’re so cute I could eat you up,’ to a young child, that is a frightening thing to hear,” she says. “In addition, so many of our favorite fairy tales involve cannibalism, such as Hansel and Gretel and Jack and the Beanstalk.” For older children, this could mean something is really eating away at them, says Loewenberg, such as bullying or taunting by classmates or siblings.

• Getting Lost: For very young children, this nightmare is pretty self-explanatory, says Loewenberg. Malls, parking lots and airports are very congested and busy places. “If your young child gets this nightmare, there’s a good chance your child was at one of these locations the day before,” she says. “For older children, getting lost may be more about feeling out of place in school or they may be dealing with a tough situation and are feeling ‘lost’ as to what to do about it.”

• Getting Kidnapped: This nightmare is more common for older children and reflects their awareness that someday they will be pulled out of the safety of the nest and be out on their own, says Loewenberg. “The kidnapper is life and growing up,” she says. “Less often, this nightmare is caused by something disrupting the child’s normal daily routine, which could be anything from a new baby in the family to a divorce.”

• Monsters and Witches: These common characters terrorize a child’s sleep, most often when the child gets in trouble the previous day, says Loewenberg. “An angry, yelling parent is as ugly and frightening to a child as a monster,” she says. “However, the monster can sometimes be the dreaming child’s perception of a bully, a strict teacher or a taunting sibling.”

Putting a Stop to Nightmares

The most effective way to get the ghosts and goblins in your child’s dream to scram is to re-write the end of the nightmare, suggests Loewenberg. “Our dreams are a creation of our own mind, therefore we can recreate the dream or nightmare to our liking – even children can do this,” she says. “It’s all about taking control of a situation that made you feel powerless.

If your child is struggling with nightmares, ask him or her to draw what was scary in the dream. Then, have the child re-write the ending to how they would like it to end or redraw the scary monster into something silly and benign. “Let your child come up with the changes,” says Loewenberg. “This is not only a fun and creative activity for the child, but it desensitizes him to the fear and gives him a chance to feel powerful.”

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Summer Activities That Will Keep Your Children Entertained

July 9, 2014

Your school-aged children spend all year long cooped up in a classroom, so once summer arrives, it’s likely they are looking for adventure. There are many creative activities that will help keep them both entertained and educated during the summer break.

The key to a successful summer is F-U-N. Your children look forward to fun in the sun and days when they can relax and engage in activities that will help enhance sibling bonding, friendships and learning. The best thing parents and nannies can do is focus on fun during the summertime, says Charlotte Reznick, UCLA professor and child educational psychologist. “The summer is an opportunity for parents to bond with their kids – and for kids to enjoy a true vacation,” she says.

Keep your child entertained and engaged with these fun summer activities:

Booming Backyards

Your home is the perfect environment to allow the kids to explore the great outdoors. Whether your back yard is three acres or a small patch of grass, kids will enjoy the fresh air and the opportunity to get out of the house.

“Summer is the perfect time to be outside,” says Reznick. Create a backyard oasis with a small kiddie pool so the little ones can splash around, break out the hose and a sprinkler and let them run and jump through hoops of water and create a beach in your own yard with sand and tools for digging and building sandcastles.

As with any outdoor activity, make sure you lather up the kids with sunscreen to protect them from burns and put swim diapers and arm floaties on the little ones.

Beachtime Play

If your hometown has a beach nearby, pack up the swim gear and plan a day at the beach building sandcastles and basking in the sun. Even a small beach by a local pond, lake or river offers opportunities for fishing, sea shell collecting and playing water games with the entire family.

Many local water parks also offer affordable summer memberships and half-price hours for families. You can plan water play time around nap times and give your little ones something to look forward to during the afternoon hours.

Cultivate Culture

Take advantage of where you live by diving into cultural events with the children in your care. Many cities host a local or county fair that features food, entertainment and art from nearby artists. Many cities also host free concerts in the park and kid-friendly activities at museums and libraries, says Reznick.

Check out your city or county’s website, as well as the Chamber of Commerce’s event listings and put these exciting events on the calendar for the summer.

Creative Tasks

You don’t have to spend every day venturing to a new entertainment venue to engage your kids this summer. Make everyday activities fun, suggests Reznick. “As a parent, you no doubt have a long list of chores, including repairs around the house and home-cooked meals,” she says. “Engage your kids in these everyday activities.”

If you need to organize the garage, make it a game. Ask little ones to find color-coded toys and sports equipment and make a pile. Older children can help you construct a shelf or toy bin to declutter areas in your home or garage. Let the children have a say in how new construction projects are decorated by engaging them in the art of painting or sealing furniture or outdoor fences.

Chores don’t have to produce groans and moans when you present them as a fun activity, says Reznick. Instead, show children how they can get involved and let them feel a sense of accomplishment when the activity or project is complete.

Campfire Days

If your children are not attending a local camp, create one at home – complete with outdoor and indoor activities and tasks that are educational.

Begin by asking your children to create a theme for each week of “home camp.” From science and math camp to weather and music camp, your children can detail what they want to learn and the entire family can create activities based on the week’s theme.

During music camp, you can help the children create homemade instruments, musical crafts and host a talent show. Weather camp can culminate with a campout in the backyard under the stars.

Although fun is bound to happen no matter what you do, it is also important for parents and nannies to be spontaneous during the summer months. “Do something you wouldn’t normally do,” says Reznick.

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Layering With Love: How to Keep a New Baby Warm

July 7, 2014

It would be so much easier if your newborn could tell you what she needs, right? Well, in many ways, she can. Babies fuss when hungry, when they are teething, when they are tired and even when they are not comfortable with the temperature.

Keeping your child warm does not have to be a guessing game. In fact, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, there are many strategies you can use to ensure that she is safe and sound and comfortable with the temperatures in your home.

Dressing for Warmth

When deciding how to dress your baby, it’s important for nannies and parents to think about their own comfort with the temperatures. “Think about the weight of clothing that makes you comfortable in the environment you’re in,” says Dr. Sophie Balk, general pediatrician at The Children’s Hospital at Montefiore in New York. “A good rule of thumb is to dress your baby in the same weight of clothing but add an additional layer of clothing. You want your baby to be comfortable and to avoid overheating him, especially if the temperature is hot (over 75 degrees Fahrenheit).”

Keeping your baby warm does not require an adjustment to the thermostat, says Balk. “There’s no need to keep the temperature in the home super hot – if you’re not comfortable, the baby probably isn’t either,” she says.

If the temperature is cold, your little one will need several layers of clothing to stay warm. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends dressing a baby in an undershirt, diaper, pajamas or a dressing gown and then wrapping her in a receiving blanket. “Premature babies may need an additional layer of clothing because their ability to regulate their temperature isn’t as well developed as a full term baby’s is,” says Balk.

When determining how to dress your baby, Balk says it is important to trust your instincts and use common sense. “If the weather is extremely hot or cold and adults are uncomfortable, chances are that it is not going to be comfortable for your baby,” she says. “Make sure to consult your local news channel or weather station for heat and cold advisories.”

Bedtime Guidelines

Since the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends against blankets and loose sheets in your baby’s crib, you may be wondering how to keep your bundle of joy warm while he sleeps.

Begin by warming your baby right before bedtime with skin to skin contact, says Theresa Kledzik, infant developmental nurse specialist. “The surest, safest way to warm a baby is to put the baby skin to skin with a parent,” she says. “It is inefficient to try to warm a cool baby by adding blankets and other layers. This will only insulate baby’s temperature, so there is less loss of heat, but it is not actively warming the baby. To warm the baby, you need to introduce a heat source, such as the parent’s body, which is at the perfect temperature.”

When preparing your little one for peaceful slumber in his crib, make sure that he is dressed in a onesie, diaper, a one-piece sleeper and socks before bed. “Sleep clothing, such as sleepers, sleeper sacks and wearable blankets are safer than blankets,” says Balk. “Use a fitted sheet and don’t use loose bedding, such as sheets and blankets, since these can impair his ability to breathe if they are close to his face.”

Balk also warns parents and nannies that nothing else should be in the crib, such as a pillow, stuffed animal or bumper.

How to Avoid Overheating

Babies, especially young infants, are susceptible to getting overheated for several reasons, says Balk. “They require more fluid per unit of body weight compared to older children and adults,” she says. “Since they can’t seek shade or a cooler environment like older children and adults can, they rely on adults to protect them from dehydration and heat illness.”

Balk recommends light weight cotton clothing that is cool and comfortable for your baby during the heat of the summer. Keeping your child out of the direct sunlight is also necessary since babies can get sunburned easily.

In addition to light clothing, choose stylish accessories to ensure your child’s comfort and safety. “Choose a hat with a wide brim to protect your baby’s cheeks, chin, ears and back of the neck,” says Balk.

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Boost Your Mood: Foods That Will Spruce Up Your Spirits

July 2, 2014

The phrase you are what you eat definitely rings true when it comes to your mood. Gorging on the wrong foods when you are unhappy will only make you feel worse – both physically and emotionally.

When you are feeling low and need a boost of energy and some cheering up, consider foods that will enhance your mood and help you get a healthy lift. “Mood-boosting foods can have powerful healing energy to people suffering from low energy, fatigue, depression and anxiety,” says Lindsey Smith, nutrition coach and author of Junk Foods and Junk Moods: Stop Craving and Start Living.

“Simply adding more of these foods into your diet can go a long way with improving your overall health and well-being,” she says. “These small additions to someone’s lifestyle can really add up.”

Leafy Green Veggies

Greens are the number one missing food from the American diet, says Smith. Top your plate with kale, spinach and collards for a healthy meal and to enhance your mood during the day. “Adding greens can help boost your mood and lift depression,” says Smith.

Dark Chocolate

If you ever need an excuse to splurge on some chocolate, a less-than-stellar mood can be a good reason. “Aside from the taste and sexy feeling dark chocolate embodies, this chocolate also contains phenylethylamine, which is a feel-good endorphin often released in the brain when people fall in love,” says Smith. “You will not only feel more connected with yourself, but also more loving and affectionate toward others.”

Walnuts

When you are feeling a little nutty after a busy day of chasing toddlers and coaxing babies to crawl, a handful of nuts may be just what you need to lift your spirits. “Walnuts, along with most other nuts, contain L-Arginine, an amino acid that improves blood circulation,” says Smith. “This can help make your head feel clear and can enhance your confidence level.”

Blueberries

To boost the sweetness of your life, consider a colorful fruit to get you out of that cranky mood. “This fruit not only helps your skin appear more youthful and radiant, it also contains dopamine, which is a stimulatory neurotransmitter that helps control the brain’s reward and pleasure centers,” says Smith.

Pumpkin Seeds

Pumpkin treats are not just reserved for October. Break out the pumpkin seeds during any season to improve your mood. “These seeds contain tryptophan, which is an amino acid that helps your brain produce the stress reducing hormone serotonin,” says Smith. “This will help make you feel more calm and relaxed.”

Red Hot Peppers

Spice up your mood and your meal with red hot peppers, suggests Brad Hines, independent health writer and social media analyst. “Red hot peppers, like habaneros, actually can speed up your pulse, acting as a stimulant, metabolism booster, and if they hurt to eat, afterwards a natural high sets in from the endorphins your body produces to compensate,” he says.

Kava Tea

Beyond foods, many beverages may keep you in positive spirits. Kava Tea has been known to promote relaxation and social promotion, says Hines. “When I do drink it, I do feel it physically, a kind of buzz, like a numbness in your face if it is strong tea,” he says. “Eating natural foods to boost mood is important for mental and physical health in a way that is not a powerful synthetic pharmaceutical – allowing for a double health benefit.”

Salmon and Sardines

If it smells fishy, it’s likely going to provide you with healthy benefits and a mood boost at the same time. Salmon and sardines offer plenty of great mood-boosting omega-3s, says Trudy Scott, certified nutritionist and author of The AntiAnxiety Food Solution: How the Foods You Eat Can Help You Calm Your Anxious Mind.

“The mood boosters in fish like salmon and sardines offers omega 3s, amino acids to make brain chemicals like serotonin and vitamin D for a great mood and bone health,” says Scott. “I grew up in South Africa eating a lot of sardines and love them.”

Grassfed Red Meat

If you’ve been warned to stay away from red meat, consider a grassfed red meat option. “Grassfed red meat has amino acids for making feel-good chemicals like serotonin, plus zinc which is calming,” says Scott. “Plus, it also has the same levels of omega-3s as fish and iron we need for energy and focus and making neurotransmitters.”

Red meat is a great source of vitamins B6 and B12, too. “For some people, zinc and vitamin B6 deficiency plays a key role in anxiety disorders (especially social anxiety) and red meat is a good source of both of these nutrients,” says Scott.

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Entering the Work Force: Preparing Your Teen for the First Job

June 30, 2014

It’s that time when your teen has turned the legal age to get a job and he is actively searching for a part-time position to supplement his wallet. Before he starts putting in applications for a job, it’s important to prepare your teen for what the work force entails.

From managing a budget and dressing for an interview to setting realistic expectations, there are many things you can do to prepare your teen for success so the phrase “you’re hired” becomes a reality.

Set Expectations

When contemplating a new job, your teen may be so blinded by the prospect of a paycheck that he doesn’t consider the job environment, duties and co-workers. Stop him from only seeing green by setting realistic expectations.

Parents and nannies should sit down with their children and speak with them about what to expect from an after-school job, including relationships with co-workers and supervisors and balancing work with homework and school responsibilities, says Lauren Urban-Colacicco, New York-based psychotherapist. “When having this discussion, parents should be positive and provide as much praise as possible about their belief in their child’s abilities.”

It’s also important for parents and nannies to stress that the teen needs to take ownership of the job search and interview process. The experience of finding that first job teaches the child how to be in the workforce, says Urban-Colacicco. “From start to finish, it is a teaching moment,” she says. “Of course, parents should help when needed or asked for help, but teens are much more likely to follow through and learn the lessons parents want them to when they are the ones at the helm of the process.”

Encourage the Job Hunt

The teen should actively complete online searches for after-school jobs and retrieve and fill out job applications once he has decided on the type of job he desires. Your child may also need to put together a resume for some positions. It is crucial that your teen guides this process, says Urban-Colacicco. “Parents and nannies need to remember that it is the teen who will be working once they get hired, so they need to step back and be supportive, but not do the work for their child,” she says.

Although teens may be eager to get a job, it helps when parents and nannies offer subtle tips to ensure their success. For most children entering the workplace for the first time, the process will entail going to a business and asking for either work or an application. Your child may not know the importance of dressing for success, but this is a valuable tip you can offer, says Phil Voelker, Colorado-based father. “I remember when my oldest first told me he was off to go job hunting and he was wearing a shirt with a funny slogan on it, shorts and his rattiest pair of skateboarder shoes,” he says. “I asked him, ‘If you were hiring someone you don’t know, for a job they’ve never done, what would you imagine that he or she looks like?’”

Voelker’s son went back to his room and returned wearing a nice pair of jeans, a nice shirt, the good sneakers and a modern sweater. “It’s important that your child walks out the door prepared for a conversation about employment with any business he or she approaches, otherwise they’ll spend a lot of time just collecting pieces of paper to fill out,” says Voelker.

Actively Discuss Finances

As your teen establishes a work ethic, she will also need to learn how to budget money with a new job. Voelker recommends sharing your budget with your child so she can learn the responsibility of saving and spending money.

“The early job years are the right time to bring your child into an adult conversation about what things cost,” says Voelker. “Last year, my 17 year old asked me for twenty bucks to take his girlfriend out. I agreed, provided that he spend 15 minutes with me reviewing our cost of living each month.”

Instead of perceiving that money is “magically available” at all times, performing a cost and benefit analysis of finances with your teen often reveals that miscellaneous costs can add up quickly.

“It’s a real eye opener for them and helps them feel like they’re being engaged as grownups,” says Voelker.

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How Nannies Can Respond to Disrespectful Children

June 25, 2014

When a new nanny comes on the scene, it’s common for children to misbehave and test their boundaries. However, disrespectful behavior needs to be nipped in the bud quickly so children can form a bond with their nanny and learn expected behavior toward others.

Another challenge with disrespectful behavior revolves around discipline. It’s important for nannies and parents to be on the same page and consistently establish strategies to encourage positive behavior from their children. If parents and nannies aren’t on the same page and are constantly at odds with each other when it comes to discipline, it can end up undermining the nanny’s authority to the point that the children never learn to respect her.

If you are struggling with disrespect, learn how to recognize the causes and tackle the problem directly.

Uncovering the Root of Disrespect

According to Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker, a licensed psychologist and marriage and family counselor, the word of the year seems to be “entitled.” Today’s generation has been labeled as self-centered and selfish, known as the new “Me” generation. These are the kids who have been coddled and spoiled by parents, given trophies just for showing up and repeatedly told they are special just the way they are. In return, many assume that this generation is different from other generations because they question authority, expect rapid promotions and think they deserve a lot for doing very little.

According to Hartwell-Walker, the generation trends are not to blame. “This generation is as diverse as those that came before,” she says. “Yes, there are kids who think they are entitled to get what they want just because they want it, but there are also college students who year after year go on an ‘alternative spring break’ while some of their peers party on Florida beaches.”

To characterize the entire generation as entitled and tie it to disrespect would do the generation a huge disservice, says Hartwell-Walker. “It’s true that every adolescent group pushes on adult values as a way to establish their own identity, but like most attempts to characterize a generation, the idea of entitlement may be trendy, and even accurate for some, but the truth is far more complicated,” she says.

Curbing the Behavior

Parenting in the everyday is far from a scientific venture, says Rita Brhel with Attachment Parenting International. “Parenting our children is an art form,” she says. “Nothing is cut and dry, black or white. Very few situations have an absolute right or wrong answer and nearly every point of learning, any activity or event that requires the parent to make a decision as to how to teach a child, is covered in multiple shades of gray.”

The key is to get to know your child and open the lines of communication to uncover where and why the disrespect is occurring. Is she angry about rules or responsibilities? Is he resistant to family changes or the inclusion of a nanny in family activities? Is she facing pressures at school or in social circles?

Unfortunately, the parent or nanny can often become the target when your child is frustrated, sad or angry. You are “there” and available for the child, but the good often comes with the bad.

Much of child rearing today revolves around behavior modification, says Brhel. The focus is on how we get our children to do what we want them to do or to stop doing what they’re doing. “There are many parenting techniques, such as affection and play and one-on-one attention that are backed by research to be the most positive, productive, and effective in raising happy, healthy children,” she says.

More importantly, Brhel suggests resisting the urge to scold children, which often exhibits your own disrespectful behavior. “If I was to punish my 6-year old for talking disrespectfully, would I teach her that speaking that way is wrong? I suppose, but I would also be teaching her that punishment and control tactics are appropriate conflict resolution tools,” says Brhel. “Without being disrespectful myself toward her, I am not only preserving our secure attachment bond, but I am teaching her the overarching value of respect and that conflict can be resolved through loving, positive means. Win-Win.”

In the end, respect begins at home through modeling by the nanny and parents. According to James Lehman, child behavioral therapist with the Total Transformation Program, if you want your children to be respectful, you have to be respectful, too. “If you call your kids names, if you yell at others in a condescending way, if you make derogatory remarks to your spouse, don’t be surprised if your child behaves the same way,” he says. “You’re modeling that behavior for them.”

You have to live your values, says Lehman, and if you value respect, then you’ve got to behave respectfully; in return, your children will learn to do the same. 

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Time to Celebrate: Creative Ideas for Kid Birthday Parties

June 23, 2014

If you want your child to have an epic birthday party, it doesn’t have to take months to plan exciting activities and themes. In fact, you can get creative with household items and cues from your little one.

If he loves football, launch a Superbowl-themed party. If she dreams of being a princess, break out the tiaras. Find the perfect fit and theme for your birthday kid with these creative suggestions.

SuperBowl Mania

If your tiny tyke’s birthday falls during football season or he is passionate about tossing the ball around the yard, launch a Superbowl-themed birthday party. Greg Jenkins, an event planner with Bravo Productions, recommends getting creative with the décor the day of the party.

“Decorate long banquet tables with green Astroturf and use white tape to create football field markings,” he says. “The Astroturf serves as your party linen and guests are encouraged to sit at the table.” You could also use benches for seating, similar to those found on the football field for players.

For décor, skip draping crepe paper from the ceiling and use team pennants and flags from your child’s favorite team instead. “Provide football helmets and pom poms to all the guests as a party hat,” says Jenkins. “You can find inexpensive paper or plastic helmets at local party supply stores.

For entertainment, have the kids create their own half-time show, complete with karaoke and costumes. “It’s a way of inspiring children to be creative and have fun, while defraying costs for children’s entertainment,” says Jenkins.

Serve hearty game day food, too, such as chili, hot dogs, smoked sausages on rolls and pizza, suggests Jenkins.

CandyLand Lane

For a sweet and creative approach to your child’s birthday party, consider hosting a CandyLane themed celebration. Begin by creating party invitations out of lollipops to sweeten the anticipation for your child’s birthday festivities. Simply cut out circular pieces of construction paper, write down the party details and tape it to the outside of a lollipop (with the candy wrapper secured). Your guests will get to experience something sweet before they even arrive at your home.

Don’t forget to sweeten the décor, too. Create lollipop signs (similar to the CandyLand game) and line them up on the walkway to your home to guide guests as they arrive.

A birthday party with a candy coated cake or build-your-own candy cupcakes are just what this party needs. For the cupcakes, line up bowls of gummy bears, gum drops and lollipops next to iced cupcakes so each guest can decorate his or her own sweet treat for the day.

Keep the kids busy on a CandyLand adventure by pre-making sticks with circular construction cutouts. Take a picture of each guest, print them on a color printer and paste the photo to the makeshift ‘picture’ lollipop. This way, each guest can leave with memories and a treasured treat after the party. Of course, the party would not be complete without a game of CandyLand with all the guests.

Dynamite Dinosaurs

If you’re child is entranced by dinosaurs, launch a dino-themed birthday party to satisfy his sense of adventure. Beyond decorating your home with pictures of dinosaurs, provide guests with the tools to embark on a digging adventure.

Simply place miniature dinosaurs in plastic Easter eggs and begin hiding these treasures in the sand box or the backyard. Provide each guest with a digging kit (plastic shovels and a bucket) and send them into the great outdoors to discover the remains of dinosaurs.

You can also launch educational games, such as trivia about dinosaurs, or ask each child to decorate a cut-out of these creatures with paint or crayons.

Don’t forget to get creative with the food, too. Have your local baker create a dinosaur-shaped cake or have each child decorate dino-cupcakes with sprinkles.

Pet Palace

Children love to visit the zoo and pet the animals, so why not bring the zoo to your home for a pet party? Simply ask each guest to bring their pet to the party (with a leash or cage, of course, to ensure safety for the children). Send out animal-themed invites and set any regulations needed, such as dogs only. If you’ve got the space, host the celebration in your back yard or at a local dog park or community park.

From fish and felines, to ferrets and furry friends, this outdoor party is a perfect celebration for your little animal lover. Just take precautions, such as cornering off a section of the yard for different types of animals, and always check with party attendees about animal allergies to prevent any type of medical situation.

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Building Boundaries: How to Cope With Overbearing Grandparents

June 18, 2014

Grandparents can be some of the most positive influences in your children’s lives, but without boundaries, they can often take over and undermine your efforts, especially when it comes to discipline.

It’s important for everyone – parents, nannies and children – to have a positive relationship with the grandparents. Establishing boundaries is the first step in maintaining this bond.

The Challenges

One of the biggest challenges that a parent or nanny can face with grandparents is being undermined, says Dr. Judi Cineas, Florida-based psychotherapist. “That can affect their confidence as parents, their relationship with the partner as well as the relationship with the children,” she says. “Overbearing grandparents have a tendency to get into the mix and sometimes even forget that their children are now adults with their own children.”

While they are usually acting from a good place, their constant attempts to make these younger parents the parents that they once were or wanted to be often has more negative than contributing effects, says Cineas.

Over-indulging can also be an issue. “Many parents struggle with grandparents who shower gifts and candy upon their children,” says Susan Eppley, certified parenting coach and owner of The Parent Coaches. “While my response to clients who complain about mild ‘spoiling’ by grandparents is to allow them to do it, there are grandparents who cross the line. These grandparents will drop by without warning, undermine disciplinary efforts by allowing certain foods or behaviors behind the parents’ back and buy the children loads of toys that end up crowding the parents’ home.”

Eppley suggests creating a family mission statement to minimize many of these challenges. “This will help mom and dad forge a foundation for the family and then create a vision for each of their children and share both with the grandparents,” she says. “That way, when the grandparents do something counter to the mission and vision, they can remind them of the end-game. This puts the entire family on the same page and helps prevent arguments.”

How to Establish Boundaries

The first and probably most important thing that parents or nannies need to do is speak the truth, says Cineas. “Being honest and being respectful are not mutually exclusive – you can actually do both,” she says. “Parents need to be very direct when speaking to their own parents about such behaviors. Don’t let it linger – if you start to feel there is a problem when the children are toddlers, don’t wait to address it when they are teens.”

Cineas recommends the following:

• Thank them for the help that has been provided
• Clarify what role you want them to play now
• Express gratitude for them embracing the new role and taking that responsibility off your hands
• Don’t hint – be direct. People appreciate that more and it reduces frustration on both sides

Recognize that this is a transition for all of you. “When you first become parents and your confidence is shaky, it’s normal to rely on someone you trust to help,” says Cineas. “Once you get your parental legs working and feel that you can handle things, or feel that your helper is taking over, it’s ok to let them know you are ready to take the reigns.”

More importantly, remember that the intent was to help, not annoy. “Thank them for their efforts, what they have done and what you have learned,” says Cineas.

Redirect the Behavior

It may also help to remind overbearing grandparents that you recognize that the children can learn both history and perspective from them. According to Tina Tessina, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, grandparents should know that it is not their problem to make sure kids succeed in life or get their chores done – their job is to have fun with their grandchildren.

“In general, request that the grandparents focus their time with their grandchildren on having fun together,” says Tessina. “Simple things, like having popcorn and watching a video together, doing a barbecue together, playing board games in the evening or going for a hike are the most fun and most memorable times for kids.”

Stress to the grandparents that they may have much more time to give the grandchildren undivided time and build a connection that is unique. “Grandparents are more often just proud and supportive, without too many rules,” says Tessina. “Yet, at the same time, they have a lot of information and know-how kids can use and the leisure time to teach and explore with the grandkids.”

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The Pre-Teen War: Learning How to Pick Your Battles

June 16, 2014

The pre-teen years put your tween on a journey toward freedom and independence, yet he or she is still in a stage of life where supervision and guidance from parents and nannies are crucial. While yearning for that freedom, it’s common for pre-teens to exhibit frustration with rules, often leading to battles and cries of “that’s not fair” or “why don’t you trust me?”

This stage in life is crucial for your tween, but it can be challenging to weather the storms as they roll in – including battles about social engagements, friends, school work and even their clothes. It may be necessary to pick your battles to keep the peace. To do this effectively, you have to learn how to choose which battles are worth fighting with your pre-teen and which are better left alone.

Recognizing Common Issues

Pre-teens are currently exhibiting emotional phases that include moodiness, resistance to authority, isolation, risk-taking and contrariness, says Tina Tessina, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.

“Pre-teens have a desire to be an independent person with resulting overwhelm about this,” says Tessina. “Plus, they have a need to bond with peers and distance from family.”

However, at this stage in life, pre-teens do not always have judgment about the wisdom of most of their experimentation, so they run into problems, says Tessina. “Since most of their current experiences are new, everything is blown way out of proportion,” she says. “A crush on a boy is a life or death matter, as is wearing just the right outfit.”

Know that your pre-teen’s dramatics may be a cry for help, as she is facing pressures at school, with friends and at home. “Children today are faced with pressures from friends, school and family all while they are trying to navigate raging hormones and changing bodies,” says Raquel Lefebvre, Vermont-based licensed psychologist. “On top of all this, they are also trying to figure out who they are. Keeping this in mind when dealing with your child will help you come from a place of empathy where you can work with them rather than against them.”

If your children know that you are on their side, they will be more likely to work with you, says Lefebvre.

Choose These Battles

As a parent or nanny, it’s important to recognize what your teen may be facing or feeling; however, in the end, it is your job to keep your child safe. Therefore, there are battles that you will have to fight to ensure your child’s safety.

“It’s crucial to insist that you know who your child is spending time with,” says Tessina. “A bad influence, at this stage, is very tempting to a child and has the potential to be devastating.”

Pick the battles about where they are going, what they’re doing and whom they are spending time with, but approach the battle in a calm manner. “If you aren’t reactive, stay calm and stick to your guns, you’ll have an easier time,” says Tessina. “Don’t let bad behavior win. Taking away electronics is the ultimate punishment at this stage.”

Safety also involves proper hygiene and self-care. It’s worth the battle to insist your child takes care of himself by bathing regularly, wearing deodorant and brushing his teeth. In addition, permanent body marks, such as tattoos and piercings are worth the battle.

“You may be able to forestall a battle by promising they’ll be able to make these decisions for themselves when they’re older,” says Tessina.

Learn to Compromise

Battles with pre-teens can be blown out of proportion if the two of you do not learn to compromise. Instead of picking apart every outfit or shade of nail color, compromise and choose your battles carefully.

“Pink hair, strange fingernail colors and odd clothing combinations are not worth the battle,” says Tessina. “Only insist on being reasonably covered up and also insist on reasonable dress when they’re going out with you to someplace significant.”

Instead of initiating an argument every time your pre-teen tests the boundaries, Tessina recommends starting with a reasonable discussion. “You’ll do better if you don’t approach everything you have to set a boundary for as a battle,” she says. “Ask for information, explain what you aren’t comfortable with and then draw a line if you have to. Giving your pre-teen a chance to cooperate first is a better idea than battling.”

When you take the time to ask questions and discuss compromises with your pre-teen, it shows that you are willing to satisfy both your needs and your pre-teen’s needs. “Balancing your concerns with the needs of your pre-teen can be just as challenging as your pre-teen navigating the pressures he or she feels,” says Lefebvre. “Remember that it can be easier if you work together and keep the lines of communication open.”

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Teething Tots: How to Keep Your Baby Well Fed When Breaking in Teeth

June 11, 2014

It’s never easy watching your baby drool and stick her hands in her mouth to cope with the pain of teething. As those cute little teeth break through, your little one may not know how to relieve her sore gums and alleviate the pain.

Beyond crankiness, drooling and loose stools, your baby may also cut back on feedings and eating solids when coping with new teeth breaking through.

Ensure that your baby is well fed and comfortable with these teething remedies that are said to soothe the pain during this pivotal developmental stage.

The Basics of Teething

According to the medical experts at the Mayo Clinic, most babies begin teething around 6 months of age. “The two bottom front teeth (lower central incisors) are usually the first to appear, followed by the two top front teeth (upper central incisors),” the experts explain.

You may notice that your baby has the following symptoms when teeth are trying to break through:

• Drooling
• Chewing on solid objects
• Irritability or crankiness
• Sore or tender gums

Although loose stools and fevers are often associated with teething, the Mayo Clinic says this is simply not true. Teething can cause signs and symptoms in the mouth and gums — but not elsewhere in the body.

Soothing the Pain

If your teething baby is pushing away food and having sleepless nights, finding a remedy to soothe his gums can help.

The experts at the Mayo Clinic recommend the following:

• Rub your baby’s gums: Use a clean finger, moistened gauze pad or a damp washcloth to massage your baby’s gums. The pressure can ease your baby’s discomfort.
• Offer frozen teethers: Cold or frozen objects can help soothe the pain. Place a teething ring or damp washcloth in the freezer and let your little one gnaw on it. Add a healthy twist to this remedy by placing frozen fruit in a mesh bag and let your baby suck on it to relieve gum and tooth pain.
• Try hard foods: If your baby is eating solid foods, you might offer something edible for gnawing. A chilled carrot or peeled cucumber may keep her busy, comfortable and well fed during the teething stage. Make sure that you are closely monitoring your little one when she is eating hard foods, though, because any pieces that break off could pose a choking hazard
• Dry the drool: Excessive drooling is part of the teething process. To prevent skin irritation, keep a clean cloth handy to dry your baby’s chin.
• Try an over-the-counter remedy: If your baby is especially cranky, acetaminophen (Tylenol, others) or ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, others) might help, according to the Mayo Clinic. Avoid teething medications that contain the pain reliever benzocaine. Benzocaine products have been associated with methemoglobinemia — a rare but serious condition that reduces the amount of oxygen in the blood. Before using over-the-counter remedies, it is important to consult with your pediatrician to ensure it is the best option for your baby.

To encourage your child to eat, you can also use food as a teether; just be careful that you don’t overfeed your child.

Something cold to eat could encourage your child to resume a normal feeding schedule while obtaining some relief from teething. Try any of the following foods:

• Bagel: Tear off small pieces of a cold bagel and let your child suck on it while obtaining the carbs and nutrients he needs
• Frozen Banana: The cold exterior will help soothe your child’s gums while the mushy interior will provide your little one with vitamins and potassium.
• Fresh Fruits and Vegetables: Any type of food that is a little hard on the outside but soft on the inside will do the trick by providing your child with a hard surface to soothe the gums and a soft texture to swallow. Make sure, though, when feeding your child fresh fruits and vegetables, that you cut them up into small pieces and monitor your baby for signs of choking.

Although you can’t completely take the pain away as discomfort from teething is inevitable, you can help your baby gain the nutrients he needs and give him a little TLC along the way.

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