Parenting Fail: Regaining the Trust of Your Children

February 12, 2014

Unfortunately, at some point, your children will realize that you are human and that you make mistakes. Even worse, though, is when they experience a breach of trust.

Maybe your child witnesses you telling a lie, stealing the last cookie in the jar or neglecting to follow through on a commitment. Regardless, when trust is lost, it’s difficult – though not impossible – to regain your child’s admiration and respect.

You’ve Got Some Explaining to Do

As parents, it’s important to model respectful behavior. Unfortunately, at times, parents make mistakes and children, who observe your every move, witness faltering behavior.

For example, if you openly say that you do not want to see a family member, but then act excited when you greet him or her, your child may be confused when your words do not match your actions.

According to Tina Tessina, California-based psychotherapist, it’s important to explain your behavior to teach your child how to interact and trust others and to build the trust he or she has in you. In age-appropriate terms, explain why you acted or reacted in a certain manner. Avoid making excuses and own your mistakes. It also helps to set a plan to change the behavior by communicating your goals with the child.

“If you know you’ve been acting badly, treating others badly or out of control, you have to get yourself under control first and then make amends,” says Tessina. “If the problem is not that bad, you need to recognize your part of the problem and apologize. You need to learn to work together in your family.”

Model Behavior You Want to See

Parents are constantly teaching and reminding children how to respect others. Your behavior needs to match your teachings, though, in order for the lesson to sink in.

According to Tessina, if you are not truthful to your children or to others, you can’t expect your children to be truthful. Model the behavior you want to see by allowing your children to see you telling the truth, following through on your commitments and being respectful to others.

If a breach of trust has occurred, show your child firsthand how you plan to make amends. If a child witnesses a parent apologizing to someone else for hurtful words or actions, it teaches him to do the same. “Children generally lose the trust of their parents by breaking rules and lying about it,” says Tessina. “Parents can lose the trust of their children by being scary and violent, out of control and unreliable or by acting in shameful ways the children find out about.”

One of the best ways to regain trust from your child is by working on yourself, modeling positive and respectful behavior and teaching your child by example.

Think Long-Term

A quick “I’m sorry” uttered from you may amend the situation in the short term, but it’s important to think long-term to regain trust from your children and teach respectful behavior. Just one change does not always pay off long term, says Janet Zinn, New York-based psychotherapist. “It takes twice as long to regain the trust of others,” she says.

Keeping your commitments consistently shows a child that you can be trusted. For instance, if a parent is constantly at work rather than watching soccer or little league, the parent can’t regain trust just by showing up to one game. “The parent can’t promise to come to the next game only,” says Zinn. “The parent has to show up for a few games and be honest about the times he or she can’t make it rather than giving a lame promise.”

Primarily, it’s crucial for parents to ‘show’ versus just ‘tell’ a child what it means to be trusted. Although it may take more time to display trustful behavior over a few months, in the end, it is much more reassuring and effective than uttering “I’m sorry” when you have faltered in the eyes of your child.

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Talking to Your Teen About the Pressure to be Thin

February 10, 2014

It’s a common theme in society. Female models on television are thin and toned. Movie stars walking the red carpet are embraced as stick figures. Media messages continue to portray the perfect body as a size 0.

Teenagers, especially, are heavily influenced by the pressure to be thin. In fact, the National Eating Disorders Association reports that approximately a half million teens struggle with disordered eating or eating disorders.

As your adolescent begins to recognize his or her body and question weight and image, it’s important for parents and nannies to know the signs and symptoms of eating disorders, have open and honest discussions about the pressure to be thin and model positive attitudes about body image.

Knowledge is Power

Many times, teens struggle with body image without seeking help from trusted adults. It’s important for parents to be aware of the signs and symptoms that could indicate your child is struggling with self-image or an eating disorder, says Stephanie Manes, New York-based licensed clinical social worker.

Signs and Symptoms may include:

• Sudden weight changes
• Changes in eating patterns, including increased rigidity around what foods they will or won’t eat
• Preoccupation with diet, exercise and nutritional health
• Statements about weight, thinness and body image (especially about his or her own body)
• Withdrawing from social activities
• Avoiding meals or situations where food is involved
• Appearance of food rituals, such as eating at set times, cutting food into small pieces or extra chewing
• Denying hunger
• Excessive exercise

If you, as a parent or nanny, notice any signs or symptoms of an eating disorder in your child, talk about it right away and keep talking. “Try to approach her or him without judgment or criticism,” says Manes. “Stay focused on your concern and the reasons for it.”

Opening the Door to Communication

If you suspect that your adolescent is struggling with pressure to be thin, the most important thing to do is open some kind of dialogue and show an interest in his or her experience and point of view, says Manes.

“Regardless of the words you choose, you are letting your child know that you are aware of these issues and are concerned about him or her,” says Manes. “Teenagers may be guarded about talking about their own experiences but more open to talking about how they see body image and diet impacting their peers.”

These conversations shouldn’t be limited to teens, though. It’s important that parents and nannies don’t wait until kids are teenagers to start talking about body image and social messages, says Manes. “Kids start receiving the body-negative messages from school-age on,” she says. “We can find ways to talk with younger kids about body image and social messages in an age-appropriate way.”

For instance, you could start by pointing out some of the negative body messages found in ads, magazines and television shows. Encourage them to form their own opinions about them, suggests Manes. “With my own daughter, I started pointing out ads that had obvious negative body messages and I would ask her what she thought about them,” she says. “Now she is an expert at spotting anti-body positive messages. If we don’t do this, they accept all this information as the truth and internalize it.”

Battling the Influences

Even though it is difficult to shield your child from all media messages, recognizing and pointing out the anti-body messages is a start in the right direction. “Our kids are virtually saturated in dangerously unrealistic images of body and beauty, combined with a cultural obsession about diet,” says Manes. “Fortunately, there is a growing interest in combating the destructive media and advertising campaigns.”

The problem, though, is that parents and nannies can often pick up where the outside message leaves off, says Manes. “Kids need to see us walk the walk. Parents need to make every effort to outlaw negative comments about weight and bodies,” says Manes. “We need to make sure that we aren’t focusing on diet, good and bad foods, or living on a roller coaster of rigid nutrition and exercise regimens.”

Modeling positive behavior is key when helping your child understand the importance of positive body image. “We ourselves need to model a balanced approach to food, body acceptance and hopefully an appreciation of health and joy over appearance,” says Manes.

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Ways to Get Your Children to Encourage Each Other

February 5, 2014

It’s common for siblings to tease, argue and even annoy one another on a daily basis, but when sibling rivalry takes over and the conversations between your children are primarily negative, it’s time to make a change. Siblings may not realize it at a young age, but as constant companions, they rely on each other for support and encouragement.

Show your children how to encourage one another to not only strengthen their sibling bond, but also to boost self-esteem and self-image, both common issues among young people.

Focus on the Positive

Even though it may be sparse, there are probably times when your children are already encouraging each other. Focus on the times they do, however rare, suggests Jamie Rishikof, Massachusetts-based psychologist. “Really offer sincere and specific praise and explain why you like what they just said or did,” he says.

Even though there will be times you will need to correct your children for slewing insults or harsh words at each other, use this time to reinforce the positive ways you expect them to communicate. Instead of phrases such as “we don’t put down each other,” show your children how to encourage each other with prompts such as “tell me how you can support your brother or sister in a positive manner.”

Reward Encouraging Behavior

Children are often motivated by rewards, so it helps to teach behaviors you expect by offering incentives at first. “I suggest shared rewards, such as a point system for some desired items, for time spent together with no conflicts where the parent needs to intervene,” says Rishikof. “The siblings will share responsibility for getting along or repairing when harm is done.”

A reward system can be on display with a sticker chart in your home or a list of encouraging phrases you overheard that add up to a privilege.

“When there is a conflict, which is inevitable, they share a motivation to resolve it themselves and appease each other, instead of battling for the upper hand,” says Rishikof. “In such a model, when a parent overhears a conflict, or is called in, he or she can remind the kids that if he or she comes in, there is no reward and then give them the opportunity to calm down and find a mutually acceptable solution or compromise.”

Rishikof suggests parents say the following when conflict occurs and children are not encouraging or supporting each other: “Do I need to come in there? Because you know if I come in there then you will stop getting to play with that and you are each going to your room. And, you will each not get a point for today. If you want your points, you need to stop fighting and find a way to resolve this.”

Teach Encouraging Behaviors

As a parent or nanny, you play a crucial role in helping your child learn how to support and encourage others. When your child is in need, you show them you care by nurturing that ‘boo boo’ or offering a comforting hug.

Whether your notice it or not, your children are observing your encouraging behaviors and imitating your actions when they’re in similar situations. It’s important to model the behavior you want your children to imitate.

Beyond providing an example through modeling, parents and nannies can also teach children how to encourage each other through everyday activities. According to the child experts at PBS.org, every time you say “please” or “thank you” to a child, you are teaching them expected behaviors that encourage and support others.

Acknowledge these behaviors in your child and engage them in active teaching. “Active teaching means giving attention and praise to children in ways that enhance their sense of satisfaction from within,” explain the child experts at PBS.org. “Active teaching also means providing good examples and role models for children.”

One surefire way to teach your child the patience to encourage others is through play opportunities with other children. “Play is one of the most important ways children learn about and explore how to behave with other people,” the child experts at PBS.org explain.

While observing your children playing with others, take note of their ability to share and encourage others during games or playground time. If your daughter compliments her brother on how high he can climb or swing, bring it to her attention later so she recognizes the positive behavior she exhibited.

In addition, the child experts at PBS.org suggest the following to help your child encourage others:

• Encourage children to assume different roles in their pretend play.
• Help them express their own feelings and encourage them to listen to other people’s feelings.
• Try to link one child’s feelings to another child’s by reminding them of their own past experiences in similar situations.

Teaching your child to encourage other children not only seeps into their social development, but also their ability to get along and support his or her siblings.

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Helping Your Child Adjust to a New Caregiver

February 3, 2014

Any new addition to the household will have a big impact on your child, especially if it’s a nanny or caregiver who will be stepping into your shoes to care for them. This transition requires implementing a delicate process to create that special new bond. We asked Dr. Lindsay Heller, Psy. D and family psychologist, (also known as The Nanny Doctor) who specializes in assisting families as they adjust to life with a caregiver and in mediating healthy household relationships, for some tips.

“When it comes to transitioning a new caregiver into the mix, there are many different steps you can take to help your child, nanny and family have a smooth transition,” says Heller, who is a former nanny herself.

Don’t Switch Cold Turkey

Circumstances for the dismissal or resignation of the former nanny will likely vary from family to family.  Some instances might preclude a workable, slow transition for the child, which is ideal. If at all possible, try to avoid a scenario where your current nanny just disappears one day. Regardless of your personal feelings, a caregiver shares a bond with a child and sensitivity is needed when severing that connection.

According to Heller, “The first thing is actually to make sure they have a healthy transition away from their last caregiver. That way they are ready and open to start a new relationship.”

Create a Comfortable Overlap

“If possible, overlap with your caregiver for a day or even a week to help your child feel comfortable,” Heller recommends.

Building trust takes time, and a child may feel ill at ease with a stranger, despite verbal reassurances by the parents. Spending time with the child and the nanny allows them to observe your confidence in the new caretaker through your body language. In practical matters, it also ensures you can share all the finer details of life at the house and in regards to your child’s personal preferences (cut her cheese sandwich in triangles, not the dreaded rectangle!) to lessen any upheaval.

Create a Fun Atmosphere

“Set up activities you know your child loves so that your new caregiver and child are guaranteed to have a good time!” advises Heller.

If your child is an animal fanatic, this is a great time for an excursion to the zoo. Sharing a favorite animal or other easy –to-connect-on personal loves (be it slides at the playground, certain shops at the mall or various fruits at the farmer’s market) can facilitate conversation between nanny and child, allowing them to warm up to each other without feeling pressured.

Set Clear Expectations

“As an employer, make sure you lay out what is expected… Type up a schedule, provide important phone numbers, introduce your nanny to the neighborhood, show them the park” says Heller.

Kids have a knack for picking up on uncertainty, and may get stressed by their caretaker being off her game or unprepared because she wasn’t filled in on the basics. If a nanny is left to guess what you might like for her to do when it comes to childcare, it could set up unwelcome precedents that will be difficult to undo (napping with lights on, watching television during meals, snacking between meals, etc.) This is not a great time to forget to stock the child’s preferred foods or drinks or forget to retrieve his sleeping lovey from the dryer, as he might negatively connect having to “make do” with the new person in authority. The key is to make everything operate as smoothly and normally as possible so the child and caregiver can concentrate on building a relationship that will make everyone feel happy, safe and secure.

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What Makes a Good Nanny/Family Match?

January 29, 2014

If you did the math, considered your options and have settled on hiring a nanny as the perfect solution for your family’s childcare needs, then it’s just a matter of finding the perfect person to fill that role. But what constitutes the perfect nanny is different for every family on the search.

Here are a few things to consider when making your mental wish list for a great match:

Discipline

Although any nanny should follow the lead of the parents and honor their direct requests as far as how conflict or discipline will be handled, it makes it a lot simpler if they are already on the same page. Ask questions during the interview on how they handle problems, using specific situations that might pop up in your house. “How would you handle it if you catch Emma with a handful of swiped cookies hidden under her pillow?” “If Joey says he doesn’t have homework in order to play video games and you discover an incomplete assignment in his bag, what would you do?”

Helicopter vs Free Range

Ask if they are more of a “helicopter” or a “free-range” caregiver. If you believe strongly in fostering independence from child-driven experimentation and consequences, a nanny who is climbing up into the playground equipment to slide down with your five-year-old might not be an ideal match. On the other hand, maybe you have safety concerns and would prefer to be present when your child is dipping a toe into adventure; if so, a nanny who suggests your child take out the trash solo or scooter himself down to the corner and wait for her to catch up might not work for you.

Activity Level

If you have a high-energy child or it’s important to you to hire someone who can motivate the kids to get some fresh air and exercise, consider interviewing in person to ensure the prospective nanny shares your enthusiasm for sports and outdoor activities during her work hours. Email interactions or phone calls will be a lot less telling when it comes to gauging reactions to such requests. Ask what a typical day might look like in her mind. If she lists off board games, favorite books, gardening ideas or crafts and there’s nary a ball or playground mentioned, she might not be prepared or have experience with a kid who needs a good dose of active play to wind down after a busy day.

Organization

A typical interview might include a question for the nanny about strengths or weaknesses they feel they have. If they admit to struggling with organization and you’re a neat-freak-everything-in-its-box-dot-the-i’s type, you really need to consider if this will be a good match. Even without this admission, if a potential caregiver arrives out of breath from rushing due to having confused the address or has to reach out twice to double-check the interview time or location because they left their purse behind or forgot to record the details, they might be a little less put together than is comfortable for you (or might model behavior that goes against what you are trying to instill in your child). That is not to say that an uber-creative type might not rock your child’s world or give a little color to a more black and white world, but when it comes to finding a match you have to find someone you can work well with.

Flexibility

You need to have a handle on your own weaknesses, as well. If you say you’ll be home by 5, but need to run back into the office for a forgotten file or lose track of time during a conference call and reality may be more like 5:10 or even later without much notice, you need to be real about this at the time of interviewing and make sure your prospective nanny is okay with a (compensated) go-with-the-flow attitude. If you have work trips that pop up with little notice and need a go-to pro to call on, or even travel with you, run through these possibilities while interviewing. If she has children of her own or is a by-the-book type, the frustration she’ll feel with your schedule can turn the relationship sour and lead to shakeup in your child’s life if she chooses to move on.

Culinary Choices

This is usually more about an ideal match than a deal breaker (as any nanny should respond to your requests as to what the kids eat and when), but finding someone who shares your philosophy about food can be important. You might prefer the kids to only eat at mealtimes, but she might come from a position where snacking and grazing is encouraged. If you run a strict organic household (or more importantly vegetarian, vegan or kosher) and she has trouble adhering to your needs, it will be a challenging relationship. Even if she follows your directions for the kids, but then picks up fast food for herself or noshes on junk foods in front of them, it can cause confusion. Conversely, if you feel like an occasional sweet treat is no biggie and she’s militant in the other direction, confiscated birthday party cupcakes or holiday candies can cause serious upset.

Personal Choices

There also may be some things you feel you simply can’t ask, but might make a big difference in your comfort level. Personal interviews can give insight into the nanny’s philosophy without crossing any lines of impropriety. Saying “We have a strict no-smoking policy in our household or in the vicinity of our child, we are very sensitive to the smell and we are concerned about allergies,” can lead to a telling casual conversation.  Use open-ended questions (that aren’t answered in just ‘yes’ or ‘no’) and pay attention to their reaction.

The most perfect nanny in the world won’t be the right nanny for every family. The more you consider the qualities and traits that you’d like a nanny to have, the closer you’ll be to being able to select a caregiver who has them.

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Technology Free-Zone: How to Limit Your Child’s Tech Time

January 27, 2014

With the availability of tablets, gaming systems, cell phones and computers, “play” isn’t what it used to be. In fact, many families find themselves, children included, constantly glued to technology.

Even though technology play has positive aspects, it’s also important to have some “tech-free” moments throughout the day. With these strategies, learn how to limit your child’s tech time and bring back the quality in family time.

Risks of Technology Overload

One of the most common risks of being glued to technology is the lack of one-on-one communication families and children have with each other.  We’ve all had the experience of walking into a restaurant and seeing everyone under 16 with their heads down, furiously texting on their phones or playing on a tablet, says Jon Lam, founder of Noventa Learning. “As a result, many people are rusty at communicating with people face to face and developing relationships,” he says.

Being addicted to short reward cycles is another risk of technology overload. Children get instant gratification when playing electronic games. “The problem is that real life is not designed like that,” says Lam.

Your child could also suffer from overstimulation, according to Jennifer Schindele, Pennsylvania-based certified sleep consultant. “This can and often does affect the child’s ability to go to sleep easily at bedtime and can result in fragmented or broken sleep during the night due to the child’s now overtired state after being overstimulated by TV, a computer, video games or tablets right before bedtime,” she says.

Children who are glued to technology often struggle to develop social skills. “They miss learning how to read and respond to social cues that are often subtle, such as facial expression or body language,” says Robin Kevles-Necowitz, licensed psychotherapist and parenting coach in Pennsylvania. “Children who spend lots of time with technology struggle to develop the skills required to carry a conversation or develop critical friendship skills.”

How to Set Limits

In order to set limits, parents and nannies must be intentional about how they schedule technology time and limits, says David Simonsen, licensed family therapist. “Parents must be in agreement with one another about how to deal with it,” he says. “Once they are in agreement then some type of plan is in order. For example, is technology ever allowed at the table or when you’re out to eat with friends? There are going to need to be hard and fast rules and then flexible rules.”

As part of the plan, you can also set specific times on certain days for technology use, according to Kevles-Necowitz. The key is to stay firm and consistent with your children. “It’s easy. Just say ‘New Rule. From now on, we only use technology from 4-6 p.m. during the week and 12-4 p.m. on the weekends’ or whatever works best for your family,” she says. “They may not like it or understand it until they are much older, but we need to have patience, manage our anxiety when they have a fit and trust the process.”

Another approach is to involve your children in creating a tech-free schedule. “By doing this, they can have an open discussion on appropriate times and duration of technology use and how it is not a healthy part of preparing for bedtime,” says Schindele. “I suggest to all families that I work with to limit the use of technology for at least 45 minutes to an hour before nap or bedtime. This way, the child’s brain has the opportunity to wind down and prepare for sleep.”

Setting up tech-free zones in certain rooms of the house can help enforce technology limits, too. For example, the kitchen and dining room may be off limits for electronics, but the living room during certain hours is a tech-friendly zone.

Benefits of Tech-Free Zones

Although your children may initially miss their electronic devices, if you show them the opportunities outside of a technology zone, they will soon forget.

“In our household, we don’t stress the importance of limiting technology as much as highlight all the fun things that one can do without technology,” says Lam. “Our kids spend as much time reading, doing crafts, and playing outside as they do watching TV or using the iPad. Promote the habit of maintaining balance between those types of activities.”

These tech-free moments not only help your child discover other interests and socialize, but they can also put more focus on family time. “Technology often takes away from family relationships,” says Simonsen. “So, taking away technology can actually be used to build family time that is usually missing.”

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How Children Learn From Failure

January 22, 2014

Even though you do your best as a parent or a nanny to shield your children from harm, it’s not always possible to prevent disappointment and failures. In fact, your child will experience just as much failure, if not more, than he will success.

Learning how to deal with failures and grow from the experiences teaches a child resilience, confidence and maturity. As your children embark on this developmental milestone, it’s important for you to be right by their side as the supportive and enthusiastic cheerleader, guiding them through this teaching moment.

Listen, Love and Let Them Fail

As your child walks in from school and slings his book bag on the floor with a frown that can be seen for miles, it’s likely he has received a low grade on an assignment, failed at an attempt to conquer a task in class or was rejected by the girl of his dreams on the playground. To the young mind, these setbacks can be devastating. However, you have the opportunity to teach him how to learn from the failures he has experienced.

Parents and nannies play a very important role in helping children deal and learn from failure.

Lois Clark, assistant professor of family and consumer sciences at Ohio State University Extension, suggests the following strategies to support and encourage your child when he or she is coping with failure:

• Love your child unconditionally. Make sure that your child knows that you love him or her regardless of how he or she does. Do not ever tie your love for your child to success or failure in accomplishing a task.
• Develop an understanding of what your child is developmentally capable of achieving. Learn more about child development and what children at different ages are able to accomplish.
• Have realistic expectations concerning your child’s performance. Parents should not set unusually high or low standards. Know what your child is capable of achieving and set goals based on what is appropriate for your child.
• Provide guidance for your child. Children need to know that success and failure are a part of life. Knowing how to get back up and try again after a failure is an important lesson.
• Celebrate and discuss successes. Help your child see what he or she has done to enable a particular success.
• Provide an environment at home that has some structure and order. Structure and organization help children learn that life goes on after things have not gone well. The daily routine can be both comforting and reassuring.
• Help your child learn to deal with his or her emotions. Children may experience joy, pride, guilt, shame, sadness or a host of other emotions. Children need to talk about their feelings and emotions. Parents can help children learn how to express their emotions in a socially acceptable way.
• Help your child to develop positive social relationships that can provide support when things go wrong. Other caring adults and friends can also provide guidance and direction in a child’s life. They can serve as role models. Your child can observe how they respond to success and failure.

Model Positive Reactions

Beyond helping your child see the benefits of a failure, think long and hard about how you manage and handle your own failures to see what your children are learning through your example. As the role model, your children observe your behavior and reactions closely, according to Melody Brooke, Texas-based family therapist and author of “Oh Wow This Changes Everything.” “If our children see us responding by drinking or being angry, then that’s what they will learn to do,” she says.

Instead, model positive reactions instead of negative responses when you experience your own setbacks. If your child is upset about a poor grade or his performance at a sporting event, refrain from belittling him or telling him what he did wrong.

Instead, Brooke suggests asking him how he feels about the end result and validating that his feelings are real. Positive reinforcement that you support him in his efforts and love him for both his successes and failures will encourage the child to continue trying until his weakness becomes a strength.

“Failure is how a child learns and learns to develop confidence,” says Brooke. “We can encourage this learning and self confidence development only if we respond positively to the failure ourselves.”

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Year-End Bonuses for Nannies

January 20, 2014

Year-end bonuses are the norm for most in the professional world. A nanny falls into the category of a working professional, but she is also so much more. This is the person who spent an entire year caring for your little ones, and maybe even your home and pets in some cases as well; she was there on good days, sick days, and those horrible, awful, no good terrible days, and don’t forget the occasional minor holiday, too. Rather than look at providing a year-end bonus as an obligation that you must comply with in order to protect your reliable caretaker from poaching, consider it a relationship builder and a way to show your appreciation for someone who does a very important and personal job.

A typical year-end bonus for a nanny is equal to a week’s salary. This can and typically does grow based on long-term service, though if you don’t want to extend yourself financially in that way until a hallmark occasion and create a precedent, you might just add some thoughtful touches to give along with the amount of cash you decide to gift.

Add It Up

If you are happy with your nanny’s services, she has likely gone above and beyond on occasion. You might have thought of showing your thanks with a tip at the time, but been understandably leery of raising expectations or opening the door to future financial hits your childcare budget couldn’t support. For your own benefit, and to make an incredibly lovely token, spare a page in your agenda or organizer to jot down these little moments of nanny brilliance throughout the year. “Ran to the school to bring forgotten report.”  “Brought first grader to pro lice remover straight from school to avoid potentially infesting house.” “Came in spur of the moment when we needed her most.” “Went unasked to our youngest child’s first piano recital to support him.” “Spent eight hours alternating between two stomach flu-ridden little ones (resulting in her catching it two days later).” “Worked through the in-laws visit.”

At the end of the year as you look over the list, you might have a different feeling about her bonus. Noting all these in a thank you card or having your children write them out in a “Why We Love You/Why You’re So Great” style piece of art might make her feel almost as appreciated as the bonus itself. Almost.

New Nannies or Partial Year Nannies

If you feel like your relatively new nanny will be with you for the coming year or you have been looking for a way to show a stellar caretaker how pleased you are that she joined your family, by all means feel free to opt for giving a full typical end-of-year bonus. However, this is in no way expected. Simply divide a typical bonus by the length of time your nanny has been with you and round up if you feel it’s appropriate or include a personal gift like flowers or something the kids made with a small gift card to a favored coffee shop, bookstore or iTunes if you feel the amount seems skimpy.

Think Out of the Box

If the end-of-year budget is a little tighter than you’d like and you wish you could do more, consider adding some perks for the coming year and announcing them within a nice handwritten card of thanks. If your business or schedule permits, you might find alternate care for the day of your nanny’s birthday or anniversary of her service and give her a paid day off. If she travels with your family and has proven herself responsible, you might offer to allow her to bring a guest so she has someone to spend her off hours with while away. You can also check into the family’s health club, gym, pool, beach or museum memberships; many allow you to add a nanny for free or at a nominal fee.

Other options could include transportation costs (many of which can net you tax breaks) as a perk for the coming year. In some urban areas, public transportation cards can be freely transferred between individuals, allowing nannies and employers to hand the card off, along with the kids, for free transportation to and from work. If you have come to the conclusion that providing a car for your nanny’s use with the kids will work best for your family, announcing this in conjunction with an end of year bonus can add to feelings of nanny appreciation.

More personal perks could be opting for a Netflix, Hulu or Amazon subscription so that the overall cost of the gift will just be a small monthly amount added to your credit card. You could also purchase a SpaWeek giftcard. These can often be bought at a discount around the holidays ($40 for a $50 card) and can be used for discounted spa services at high end spas in most metropolitan areas. Twice a year, top of the line day spas across the country offer their normally pricey treatments and beauty services for a flat $50 fee to create ”SpaWeek”  buzz and open their doors to new clientele.  A little pampering throughout the year can go a long way in creating a happy nanny.

Remember, whatever you give, it really is the thought that counts. Consider what your nanny has contributed to your family and make a point to show your appreciation. When do you, your thoughtfulness will be greatly appreciated.

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Just Breathe: How Nannies Can Teach Children Patience

January 15, 2014

Ever wonder why the children in your care struggle to sit still, can never wait their turn and interrupt constantly? It’s not easy to be patient. It’s even harder to be patient if you don’t understand or have never been taught the concept of patience.

Patience, often deemed as a virtue, can be taught, though, and it’s a valuable lesson, according to Bette Freedson, licensed social worker and member of the National Association of Social Workers.

“Patience can help develop the ability to think through and resolve problems; it can counteract impulsivity and acting out behaviors,” says Freedson. “The value of patience lies in its ability to lead to inner calm and emotional strength of character.”

Teach By Example

“Teaching patience by example helps children learn resilience, self-containment, and the ability to self-soothe,” says Freedson. “These are qualities needed for emotional maturity.”

As a nanny, the children in your care are constantly watching your every move. They see your excitement, creativity and even your frustration at times. You are the role model of patience. If you want the children to wait, ensure that you are patiently waiting yourself. Refrain from snapping impatiently at the children and others to model patient behavior on a regular basis.

When the children see that you can peacefully wait for something, they, too, will learn to do the same.

Incorporate Lessons on Patience

Learning doesn’t always have to happen in the classroom. Teach the children real-life lessons on patience through creative endeavors during routine activities. Meal time happens at least three times a day, providing you with three very important opportunities to teach patience. Dr. Fran Walfish, California-based psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your Child,” suggests demonstrating how patience can enhance the bond you have with others.

“Kids, and many adults, get excited about their own ideas and chime in or interrupt while someone else is speaking,” she says. “The family dinner table is always a great place to practice taking turns talking and listening.”

Take the opportunity to praise patience while modeling the behavior, suggests Walfish. “This is a chance for kids to grow in front of your very eyes,” she says. “Praise them for every incremental step toward respectful listening behavior.”

Listening is a difficult behavior to master, especially for young children. Further explore the idea of patience by role-playing with the children. When a child is impatient and frustrated, embark on a role-playing game to help them work through emotions. If she wants to watch a particular television show, but it does not begin for a few hours, talk about how the disappointment makes her feel. Put yourself in her shoes by taking on the role of the child and ask her to take on the role of the nanny. When the child has to put herself in the role of someone else, it helps to build perspective and understanding, which ultimately can lead to patience.

Another lesson that may help children understand the value of patience involves distinguishing between needs and wants. Often times, children have difficulty understanding that others will not always cater to their every wish and want. Ask the children to make a list of daily wants or wishes and another list of daily needs that will enable them to survive.

Compare the lists and discuss how food, water and air are necessities, yet video game time and outdoor activities are wants. When a child can prioritize and distinguish between necessities and wants, it is often easier to patiently wait for a want.

Encourage Teamwork

Children often lose patience when they are frustrated or feel as if others are not listening or supporting them. When children participate in group activities and shared play, they want to be heard and feel as if they are an active member of the group. Encourage teamwork to teach patience with daily activities.

Expose the child to play groups that emphasize constructing a project together – one that is dependent on every member of the team. Play games that require turn taking, such as building a tower with blocks contributed by everyone involved.

Meditation or relaxation techniques and silent play time can also show children how to be patient.

Jennifer Kogan, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., recommends practicing patience as a family. “Go to a yoga or meditation class together and engage in activities that promote teamwork as a family,” she recommends. “Emphasize the process over the end result.”

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Don’t Miss Out on the Right Nanny

January 14, 2014

by Michelle LaRowe
Editor in Chief

Many parents seeking full and especially part-time nannies are surprised to learn how competitive the market is when searching for and securing quality caregivers. This lesson is often learned the hard way when they come across a caregiver who has piqued their interest, only to find out that she’s no longer available once they’ve decided to reach out.

When you find a caregiver that you’re interested in learning more about it’s important that you act fast, or you may end up disappointed. Acting fast doesn’t mean offering a position on the spot, sight unseen, or taking prescreening shortcuts, though; it simply means communicating to the caregiver that you’re interested in learning more about her wherever you are in the search process, whether it’s setting up an initial phone conversation or inviting her back for a working interview, as soon as you are sure you want to learn more.

Good Nannies Are Selective

Unlike newer nannies who are just breaking into the nanny profession and have less in-home childcare experience and perhaps less of an idea of what their ideal job situation looks like, seasoned nannies have the experience and understanding that puts them in the driver’s seat when it comes to finding their next position, not to mention a long list of references willing to vouch for their expertise. When these nannies are being sized up by potential employers, they’re also taking inventory and determining if the position and the family will be the right fit for them. Since quality caregivers are always in demand, good nannies can afford to be selective in choosing the families with whom they’ll work with and the positions that they’ll accept.

Good Nannies, Good Positions

Good nannies jump at good positions. Oftentimes parents will express interest in a caregiver, perhaps asking for her resume or requesting to review her profile, but then simply sit on the information received, whether it’s because they didn’t have time to review it or figured there was no real rush to do so. Unfortunately for these parents, by the time they review the caregiver’s information and express interest, the caregiver has long since moved on to pursuing other opportunities. This can be frustrating for parents, but it’s frustration that is easily preventable. By simply responding to requested information quickly, you’re able to get your job in front of the caregivers who interest you most.

Special Consideration for Part-Time Placements

For part-time positions, it’s essential that parents offer a salary and position that is competitive in their area. Part-time positions are typically harder to fill because finding a qualified caregiver who is available during the hours needed and willing to commit to the schedule can be challenging. This means that the nannies who are available to work part-time positions typically have their choice of jobs. It also means that when a nanny is considering working for two families in the same area with similar job descriptions and hours and one is offering $12 an hour and the other $18, it’s pretty reasonable to understand why she’d choose the job that’s offering higher pay. Does that mean you need to offer a wage rate you can’t afford?  No; it simply means you should be aware of what other families are offering and strive to be competitive, if you can.  If the job down the road is offering more money for less non childcare related tasks, for example, consider cutting full housekeeping from your list of expected duties to make your job more competitive.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

It’s important to remember that nannies who are job searching are likely interviewing with several families. It’s not unusual for nannies to be interviewing with many families in a short period of time. For this reason, if there’s a caregiver who interests you, you’ll want to arrange an interview as soon as your interest is realized. If you wait it could be too late.

For many families and nannies, finding the right match is really a matter of good timing. While parents may leave themselves enough lead time to secure the right caregiver so they can take their time in the selection process, a nanny will often want to secure a position more quickly. If a family doesn’t seem serious about hiring soon, the nanny will move on to other opportunities with families who appear more eager to hire.  Be honest about when you plan to make your hiring decision and when you anticipate your nanny’s start date, but commit to being a little flexible so you’re not weeding out any caregivers you may like best.

The Good News

Fortunately, the pool of qualified nannies is constantly being replenished and refilled. Good nannies come in and out of the pool quite frequently, but unless you drop the bait, you’re not going to catch a good one.

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