by Michelle LaRowe
Editor in Chief

Not long ago I was on the phone with my mother, helping her sort through an issue she was having. Being the good mom that I am, I sat my young children down at the table and gave them a snack, so I could finish the call. While they were snacking, they were also playing on the family iPod Touch together. Being the helpful kids that they are, when they went to wash their hands from having their snack, they brought the iPod along too. It had fingerprints on it and was sticky, so of course they wanted to clean it off. I heard the water running a little too long, went in the bathroom, and both kids were sitting on the floor, scrubbing the iPod clean with a soaking wet, soapy towel. I tried to save the iPod to no avail. After our incident I reached out to Anthony Scarsella of Gazelle to learn if there was anything else I could do to bring life back to my broken iPod. I got a real-life lesson on how to properly clean electronics and thought I’d share that lesson with you too.

eNannySource: What are the best tips for cleaning an iPhone?

Anthony: Every month or so you should give your device a good cleaning. Remember, phones are more likely to carry bacteria than any other electronic gadget. It’s important to always power off your device before performing any of the cleaning steps below.

First, grab yourself a microfiber cleaning cloth and a gadget-safe cleaning solution. Brasso and Zagg are good brands. Always spray the cleaner on the rag – never spray it directly on the device. Next, grab a compressed Air Can that’s meant for use with electronics. These are available at Office Depot, NewEgg, Staples and most office supply stores. Clean out all the ports on the device, including the headset jack, connector port and SIM card slot. Finally, re-apply your screen protector and case, and then power your device back on. This is always a good time to back up your phone with iTunes as well. I recommend doing a back-up simultaneously with your monthly phone cleaning.

eNannySource: Speaking of backing-up, what’s the best way to back-up?

Anthony: I advise people to back-up their phone every 30 days using the approved method for your device. Some of the primary methods include iTunes, Google and USB sync.

When it comes time to sell or get rid of your device, though, I remind people to remove all of the personal data that exists on their device. To do this, follow the factory reset instructions in the device manual to perform a full factory reset. You should also remove SIM cards and memory cards. Most often, data stored on these types of external cards do not get wiped out with a reset.

eNannySource: Back to cleaning, what items should you use to clean your devices? What items should you never use?

Anthony: Brasso, Zagg and Monkey Spunk are great products designed just for cleaning electronics. Never use any harsh detergents or any alcohol or ammonia based cleaners. These could damage the finish of your device and, in extreme cases, can even damage the device internals.

eNannySource: Is there a best product for cleaning the screen of a device?

Anthony: AppleJuice 8oz. screen cleaning kit is great for screens. It is safe and iPhone 5 approved. Zagg wipes are also great if you need a quick wipe down of the entire gadget, including the screen. It’s important to remember that the screen on smartphones and tablets holds a lot of the value, so you’ll want to be sure to take extra good care of the screen. I always recommend a good screen cleaning every 30 days along with a new screen protector film install.

eNannySource: What about water damage? Can it be corrected?

Anthony: If your phone comes into contact with water or another liquid, resist the urge to panic while the liquid saturates the internal components. Instead, follow these simple steps to prevent lasting damage.

• Step 1: Remove your phone from the liquid and power off your device. Due to their conductive natures, water and other liquids short-circuit electronics. Do not power on your phone, charge it or connect it to other devices without it having proper time to dry.
• Step 2: Dry your phone with a soft, absorbent cloth and carefully wipe down the headphone jack and charge port. If you can remove the back cover and take out the battery, do it. If your phone is a GSM/AT&T model, remove and dry the SIM card and tray. Evaporating liquid with a heat source causes additional damage and is not recommended.
• Step 3: Lay your phone in a safe, dry place. Allow at least 48 hours for the liquid to evaporate before reinserting the SIM components or turning on the phone.

If the above doesn’t seem to work, consider using an alternative drying method by placing the phone in rice. The best way to do this is to place your phone in a plastic bag filled with uncooked rice. The rice facilitates the evaporation process since dry rice grains act as a safe, natural alternative to other desiccants, such as silica gel. The rice grains actually absorb excess liquid while being too large to enter ports or separations in the phone body.

If your phone cannot be saved, don’t fear. You can sell your broken device to Gazelle. Believe it or not, broken iPhones and iPads are worth far more than you think. Currently, you can get up to $130 for a broken iPhone.

Anthony Scarsella is the Chief Gadget Officer at Gazelle. In this role, he serves as the consumer device expert, monitoring trade-in activities for www.Gazelle.com, and managing the availability of the latest and greatest consumer tech gadgets and how they will impact the consumer tech market.

by Michelle LaRowe
Editor in Chief

When it made the news that a nanny agency specializing in placing military veterans as caregivers was opening up, there was a buzz of concern and interest amongst those in the nanny industry. To learn more about the Tactical Nannies program I reached out to Jonathan Gilliam, president and CEO of United States Continued Service, the parent company of Tactical Nannies. Here’s what he had to share. 

eNannySource: I think when people first hear that military veterans are being sought out to provide nanny care they wonder two things: first, how do you reconcile the idea of being a combat veteran with a nurturing caregiver, and second, what about post-traumatic stress disorder and other mental issues?

Jonathan: I understand both of those concerns, and I think most people’s perception of the military is off the mark is many ways. With respect to reconciling a trained, military combat veteran, it is important to note the core elements that drive a person, male or female, to enter into military service. Those core elements are love of their fellow citizens and a desire to protect our freedoms and rights. The key words here are love and protect. Under the body armor and ammunitions is a human being who is serving at a level of selflessness that most people will never know without being in the military. This is easily translated into caring for children and protecting a family/home. Our pilot program includes several personality screening practices. Not only am I a former Navy SEAL, but I also served as a special agent in New York for eight years. I am associating with other agents to complete a background screening that gives us a complete picture of the personality and motivation of our nanny candidates, as well as making sure the underlying love and protective nature is at the forefront. I know it is unusual hearing those words from a trained warrior, but it is actually the basis for what we do.

PTSD is, as you pointed out, a major concern for many people. We understand that. In our screening process we will pay close attention to indicators of PTSD. However, the sheer numbers of veterans returning from duty overseas does not lend itself to an overwhelming percentage of PTSD sufferers. There just isn’t a lot of PTSD. What we see more often is the need for a “debrief” or time-out after returning from overseas. The awareness is so heightened in a war environment, that when you return, it takes time to turn it down. Reactions are quicker, attitudes are more assertive. But it is not PTSD the majority of the time.

eNannySource: You mentioned people’s views of the military are off the mark. Can you elaborate on what that means?

Jonathan: Unfortunately, many people in the American public see young enlisted people as dropouts that couldn’t make it anywhere else. This couldn’t be further from the truth in most cases. A high percentage of young people entering into military service have a drive to serve and a determination to succeed that cannot be met through college. Many of these individuals do in fact finish college after an initial tour of duty. Some take online classes, some night school and others transfer into the Reserves or National Guard and attend full time. Regardless, within two to four years of their entry into service, these young people have developed a core set of values and skills that propel them forward in life. Learning how to operate using Standard Operating Procedures (SOP) and how to function in a team environment, it is driven into everyone that serves that you are a leader no matter what rank you hold. This part of the training is widely unknown or understood by the majority of employers and the American public itself.

Jonathan: I am looking for a veteran who can verbalize their basic skills, understanding the core of their training. USCS will provide a series of tests, exercises and retesting on an individual and team basis to see how adept they are at using the skills they have acquired during their active military time. Each nanny will be screened for personality issues, to include PTSD, identity issues, stress and the possibility of personality disorders that may be threatening to children. This test is created by a former member of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, specializing in Child Sex Crimes and Child Abduction. We are actively looking for a child development expert to associate with in order to set up classes/training exercises to develop an effective curriculum that will ensure a well-rounded and educated nanny.eNannySource:  What will you look for in a nanny?

eNannySource: With your experience and background, what types of gaps in screening do you think currently exist when it comes to screening nannies?

Jonathan: I think the gaps begin with the families themselves. In many cases cost overrides experience and dependability when it comes to picking a nanny. Many parents give more thought to their budget than they do to the person they are hiring to watch over and protect their children. While it is understandable that budgets are an important issue in today’s tumultuous economic climate, the extra money for childcare can be found in the sacrifice of a few weekends out on the town a month, or the amount of Christmas presents a family buys each year.

On the other side of the spectrum, it is apparent that many of the nanny services employ “under the table” services. This allows for a cheaper full time nanny. This, along with little to no background check when background checks are promised, shows a sickening side of childcare. This is not only unacceptable, it is criminal. I have seen it, and regardless of the arguments on the side of nanny services, it exists in this industry. That is a standard USCS and the Tactical Nannies program will change.

eNannySource: Why nannies? How did you get into this business?

Jonathan: United States Continued Service (USCS) is the parent company of the Tactical Nannies program. Providing veterans as nannies is just one of our projects, as we are a company that creates projects/proposals around the skills of military and government veterans. We then market those projects/proposals to the public and private sectors, and then staff them with trained veterans once we have clients. We are involved in Law Enforcement Training (Patrol and SWAT), Executive Protection, Business Development, Company Restructuring, the instruction of SOP’s and Teamwork, etc. If there is an industry that we can influence, participate in or own using our trained veterans, USCS will be there. We are the cutting edge of veteran employment, where military and government veterans can go to continue their service and the American public can find the experience they need to have successful businesses or lives.

eNannySource: What do you want people to know most about what you do?

Jonathan: We believe in earning our citizenship. USCS is built upon those individuals that have served in a capacity that most people will never know or understand. We take these elite citizens and we introduce them into the public and private sectors to refine our communities, influence our industries and set the standard for what an American should be.

eNannySource: Who do you see as your ideal client?

Jonathan: In the case of the Tactical Nannies program, our ideal client can be on several levels. High income wealthy families, successful families that only need a part-time nanny, elderly families, special needs families and high end hotels. This list isn’t exhaustive, but is expanding everyday as requests and suggestions are made.

Jonathan Gilliam is the founder and CEO of United States Continued Service, the parent company of Tactical Nannies. To learn more visit http://continuedservice.com/Tactical_Nannies.html. 

by Michelle LaRowe
Editor in Chief

With the cost of college rising, parents and students can no longer afford to wait until college starts to determine what career path to take. So how can parents help kids make such tough decisions, like what they’ll study and what they’ll be? I reached out to career coach Crystal Kadakia from Career Indulgence to find out. 

eNannySource: When should parents begin encouraging children to start considering their career and college options?

Crystal: Tenth grade is the ideal time, as this allows the flexibility for trial and error with electives and extra-curricular activities in school. This may sound surprisingly early to some parents, however when we consider the rising costs of college and poor economy today, it becomes more and more vital to have a clear college strategy so students can get the most out of college. Unfortunately, high school counselors not only are overwhelmed by the sheer number of students (the average ratio is 471 students to 1 counselor), but they do not have the specialized skill set or methodology to guide teens in making this critical decision.

eNannySource: What about the cost of college? How are today’s students paying for college?

Crystal: The average cost of college is the highest it has ever been, with an average cost of $22,000 per year for in state public college and $43,000 per year for private college. Many students are swimming in debt, with 60% of students graduating with debt and 25% of these students having more than $30,000 in debt.

Students are paying for college through financial aid, smart planning in advance from their parents, internships throughout school and scholarships. What is clear, however, is that those who have a defined college strategy are more likely to get a job that is higher paying and in their field. Students who have internships are 20% more likely to get a job and earn higher pay. The chances of getting an internship greatly increase when students are focused and have a clear goal.

eNannySouce: How can parents encourage children to explore their career choices?

Crystal: Parents can talk about your own career journey – not only is this a good relationship builder, it is very helpful for teens to see how what one does in school that translates to the workforce and the “real world.” They can also create a safe environment for exploration. This sometimes includes allowing your teen to feel safe to try/fail/try/fail and switch from activity to activity

eNannySource:  What’s your best advice to kids considering their career and college options?

Crystal: Get as much experience you can. Talk, talk, talk. Shadow someone. Ask your parents if they know anyone in that field you can talk to. Work in that field as an unpaid intern, even if for a week. The difference between learning in a textbook and applying it in the real world can be very, very different. This will also greatly enhance college applications and could be a key differentiator for admissions and scholarships.

For college options, search for the top ranked schools in your major. These schools will have the better professors and better alumni networks that can help you search for the first job. Talk to current students in the program and get their likes/dislikes.

eNannySource: What’s the biggest college planning mistake parents make?

Crystal: Skipping the “why” and jumping right into which college? Financial aid? SAT prep? For the amount of time and money spent in college, knowing why your teen is going to college is critical. This also builds visible confidence in your teen – confidence that eventually plays out in better grades and an easier, more fun college experience.

Based in Atlanta, GA, Crystal Kadakia is a training manager for the multi-billion dollar consumer products company Procter & Gamble, as well as a career coach specializing in college strategies for students. Crystal is passionate about helping individuals find and embrace their authentic, unique personalities and, subsequently, use their authenticity as a key differentiator in pursuing a career. Outside of coaching and her full time job, she enjoys road trips, salsa dancing, self-development and learning anything new. You can learn more about Crystal at www.careerindulgence.com and follower her @CareerNdulgence. 

by Michelle LaRowe
Editor in Chief

Recently, I had the chance to connect with the author of God, Help Me Tie My Shoes! The Sacred Contract of Fatherhood and gang prevention and interventionist Anthony Goulet. I wanted to get his take on the misconceptions people have about today’s youth, how parents and caregivers can identify at-risk youth and how they can help keep them on the right track. Here’s what he had to say.

eNannySource: What are some common misconceptions about today’s youth?

Anthony: The misconceptions about today’s youth are too vast to detail in a short interview. I will say that any and all misconceptions about today’s young people occur when our young people are viewed as anything other than what they are. What they are is Sacred, Miracles and Gifts. Any negative label placed upon our young people begins when adults fall further from the accurate perception that our youth are Sacred and are here with a profound message. Straying from the recognition of our youth as miracles begins a thought process that is unwilling to look at the cause of negative behaviors and only see the symptoms.

There are no “bad” young people; however there are many young people who are hurting. Hurt comes before anger and anger comes before violence. One specific misconception some adults carry is that some young people are unreachable and un-teachable. There is no young person who is unreachable or un-teachable, so long as the heart doing the reaching and the teaching is full of love, honor, and respect. Having to go back to our hearts to reach the “hard to reach” young person is just one of many lessons that our youth teach those of us who remain willing to learn from them. When we are willing to learn from our young people, they are willing to learn from us.

eNannySource: How did you end up working with at-risk youth and in gang prevention?

Anthony: I was labeled as an “at-risk youth” and went to programs with very good mentors who were able to take anything I gave them and turn it into something positive. I experienced the power of caring adults who walk a healing road to the best of their ability, and it positively impacted my life. These same mentors invited me to work at a youth program with them in 1991. It was in this experience where I found one of my callings and have worked in youth prevention and intervention ever since.

eNannySource: How do kids end up in gangs?

Anthony: The times, places and situations may vary, but there is one common thread for every young person I have been blessed to work with who was gang affiliated… pain. The pain the young person experienced in their home was more painful than the pain within gang life.  Unfortunately, many young people endure abuse and neglect in every conceivable form, which leaves them traumatized. Although the cost within gang life is very high, there are some things in this life worse than death. As I’ve stated for years, the wounds within gang life are small compared to the wounds that cause our young people to choose a life within gangs. No, not all young people who have experienced the trauma caused by domestic violence, abuse and neglect become gang affiliated. However, we can be certain that most gang affiliated young people have been traumatized.

eNannySource: What can parents do to prevent their children from ending up in a gang?

Love your children by seeing them, listening to them and being a healthy example. Encourage the healthy and beautiful dreams of your children, even if it’s not your dream for them. Our children aren’t here to be us, so love them for them for who they are. Encourage them to live out the songs in their hearts and find the beauty in their songs to remember what they’re teaching us. Our youth are not looking for, nor do they expect perfection, they need their needs met in a healthy way, or they will find other avenues to meet these needs that can cost them their freedom and lives.

Cultivate the expectations and rules within your home that will cultivate what healthy relationships are, so that your children will have a healthy contrast when they encounter negative relationships.

Be nosey! Monitor all phones, emails and social media sites you allow your children to participate in.

Be involved in all their relationships, know their friends.

If your household does have a particular religious belief, cultivate your children’s spiritual growth with consistent participation in all activities related to your family’s spiritual practice.

Be involved in your children’s school activities.

Most importantly, be the example, which is true leadership, and there is no greater example of true leadership than a healthy, loving, nurturing and involved parent.

When negative behaviors occur, deal with them, but get to the root.

Do not accept unacceptable behavior, but be mindful to use those moments as an opportunity to continually cultivate a deeper relationship with your child.

Don’t react, but respond to both the symptoms of negative behaviors, while being creative in understanding the cause of any negative behavior. Parents must be the first responders on the scene for our children in all ways. This does not mean parents do not need support from others, but this does mean that parents must lead the way.

eNannySource: What is an at-risk youth? How can parents identify if their child is one?

Anthony: I strongly feel the term “at-risk” should be used more cautiously and with deeper contemplation. Remember that youth who are labeled as “at-risk” are at equally high certainty of healing and transformation. There are many factors in “at-risk” environments that we as parents and youth workers cannot control outside of our homes. An example of this is getting pinned down in the middle of a shootout simply picking up our sons or daughters from school. For the purpose of this interview, I am focused on what we as parents and youth workers can control. However, let us not lose sight of the fact that for many youth, even when they are fully engaged in every positive endeavor their lives, are still at risk due to what occurs in their surroundings.

In general terms, an “at-risk youth” is any young person who is at greater risk of becoming involved in negative lifestyles such as drug and alcohol use or gang involvement. At-risk youth are also at higher risk of being victims of violence, as well as being subjected to compulsory “care” within institutions.  Although there are many systemic factors in this particular topic, with just as many factors that are outside the sphere of control for parents, the home is where risk factors are either significantly increased or decreased.

I’ve witnessed and experienced very healthy home lives in the middle of environments that held little resources. I’ve also witnessed and experienced very unhealthy home lives within environments that held many resources. Within our homes is the environment that we can control, so make it loving and supportive.

Identify your child as the miracle they are and hold to that regardless of anything. Before the doorway of any negative lifestyle is walked through by our youth there are signs. Some such signs can be withdrawing from people, changes in friends and changes in dress, a drop in grades, truancy issues, negative attitude and negative language and turning their back on the things they once loved, like a particular sport or playing music. These signs are significant symptoms. Are these signs always a symptom of gang involvement and/or drug use? Of course not; however, in order for us to know what these signs and symptoms are for our children, we have to meet our young people where they’re at. Rest assured that before our young people walk into negative lifestyles, they first turn their backs on their own hearts due to pain, loss and tragedy that went unrecognized, unsupported in healing or were caused within the home. Our work as parents is not to just force our children to get their grades up, but to know them – know the deeper issues of why their grades went down. Address these symptoms with the intention of getting to the cause of these changes so that the heart is healed. Heart to heart is not just a phrase; it’s what a real healthy relationship is.

eNannySource: What’s your best advice to parents of at-risk youth?

Anthony: Take the lead in the great reclamation of the optimal potential of your family. Lead yourself to good parenting programs and support groups. Lead your child to outside resources, such as youth and mentoring programs. Grow with your child and face the intergenerational trauma and unresolved issues with your child so that you grow together. Break any negative cycles that exists within your family with true courage that only love can provide. I know this process is not easy, as a matter of fact it is at times very painful, but it’s worth it! We can ignore the pain that leads to more pain, or we can courageously face the pain in a supportive manner with our children to free ourselves and our children from unresolved injustices. There are many available programs and services for youth and parents, just reach out. Help is a word used by the strong!

Anthony Goulet has been working in youth prevention and intervention for the past 21 years. Anthony has led gang prevention and intervention programs, as well as prisoner reentry programs. He has worked as a Certified Addictions Counselor with gang affiliated youth and adults providing relapse prevention for substance abuse and criminal behavior.  Anthony is also the author of God, Help Me Tie My Shoes! The Sacred Contract of Fatherhood, which was a finalist in the 2012 Hay House Nonfiction writing competition.

It happens more than you may think. Live-in nannies being let go on the spot by their employers, left with no car, no savings and no place to go. Veteran nanny and industry leader Glenda Propst of www.NannyTransitions.com put together this article to educate nannies on what they should know before accepting a live-in position. – Michelle LaRowe, Editor in Chief

In many parts of the country where housing is less affordable, live-in nannies are more common. When you live in someone else’s home, their home becomes your work place, which certainly has its advantages; the greatest of being you have no rent payment and no commute.

But before accepting a nanny position that requires you to live in someone else’s home, there are important things that should you must consider. It is one thing to lose your job, but it’s another thing to lose your job and your home on the same day.

Before accepting a live-in position, it’s important to consider the following things.

1. The details of your work agreement. Have a work agreement that defines your hours and your responsibilities. To succeed as a live-in nanny, you have to set clear boundaries so that you don’t find yourself working when you are supposed to be off duty.
2. Your privacy needs. Discuss the importance of privacy in the job interview and be sure to let your employer know that you want a lock on your door. A private entrance would be nice, but don’t settle for anything less than a lock on your door, even if you have to buy it yourself.
3. A departure timeline. Have a section in your work agreement that addresses a departure timeline, should you be terminated or choose to leave the job. Be sure that your work agreement gives you ample time to find a place to go or provides you with an early exit check so that you have money for a place to stay until you figure out your next move.
4. How you’ll make connections. When you move to a new location, make connections. Seek out the local nanny support group. Ask your employer to introduce you to nannies she knows. Find a church or other organization so that you can begin to establish yourself in a community.
5. A 3 stage back-up plan. If something happens and you have to leave your job unexpectedly, have a 24 hour plan. Have at least one person that you know that you can stay with for at least one night. Ideally, if you have 2 or 3 people like this it would give you time to figure out what you are going to do. Know what you’re doing to do that day, for the next two weeks and for the long haul, should you be faced with losing your live-in job unexpectedly.
6. Living one day at a time. Remember that you can only live one day at a time, so if you lose your job you can’t immediately figure out what you are going to do the rest of your life. Try to break things down into smaller steps and figure things out for short periods of time. Where can I store my belongings? Do I know someone that would let me stay with them for a short time? Make your plan now so should you need it, all you have to do is execute it.
7. Your immediate needs. Be prepared to take care of your immediate needs first. Know who you can count on to lend a hand and ask friends and family if you can add them to your emergency exit plan contact list.
8. You’ll need time to secure a new position. Don’t walk into the first nanny agency you see, disheveled and crying “I lost my job! I need something quick!” Give yourself a day or two to figure out what your next step might be. When you’ve processed your situation, prepared your plan and evaluated your needs, you’ll be able to conduct your job search more effectively.
9. The status of your emergency funds. Having a few months’ worth of living expenses saved up can prevent a job ending badly from turning your life into a downward spiral. Knowing you have the funds to fly home, to stay in a hotel or to rent a car to travel to a friend’s house can make a huge difference in the immediate outcome of your situation.  If you can tuck away even $25 a week for your emergency fund, it will be a lifesaver if the inevitable happens.
10. The realities of your position. Hope for the best prepare for the worst. Do not lull yourself into a false sense of security and think “This could never happen to me.” Any live-in nanny at any time could be faced with losing her job and her home.

If you are unhappy in your job, it is almost a guarantee that your employer is unhappy with you too. And when a job goes south, it happens faster than you could ever imagine. Tensions swell, emotions rise and action comes swiftly.

As a live-in nanny, you need to make connections wherever you live. Whenever you live in someone else’s home, you are vulnerable and must prepare to care for yourself immediately should the need arise.

Glenda Propst has spent the last 28 years working as both a live-in and a live-out nanny. She has been with her current family for 19 years. Glenda lives in St. Louis with her husband Terry, and their cat LeRoy. Through her site, www.NannyTransitions.com, she offers support, guidance and advice to nannies who are in the process of leaving their work families. 

by Michelle LaRowe
Editor in Chief

Recently I had the pleasure of connecting with Ilene Dillon, LMFT, LCSW, author and life coach. As a seasoned family therapist, she’s a wealth of information about all things family, so I took the opportunity to get her take on children and co-dependence. Here’s what she had to say.

eNannySource:  What is co-dependence?

Ilene: There is no one who can get more tired than someone caring for a young infant. Why is this? It’s because infants are totally helpless and need someone to care for their every need in order to survive. Not only does the caretaker have to do the caring, but s/he must figure out what the child needs as well. This is much more difficult to do than we think, especially when your infant is uncomfortable and screaming!

When your child is an infant, you are willing to have that individual “use you,” taking up your time, your emotions, your energy and your caring. This is the design of things. We are all born co-dependent, meaning we need to have someone (I call that person an “energy broker”) who helps us exchange what we need with the world. As infants, this means getting messages about what is needed “out,” while also getting what is needed to be “brought in” by the “broker.” We parents love our little babies and realize that this broker position is part of the deal—it’s what our child needs in order to survive and begin to grow up. We allow our baby to manipulate us (note that I use two other terms interchangeably with co-dependence:  manipulation and energy-sapping). And even though we may get tired, we love it!

What does this look like when your child is 53 years old, however, and is still expecting another person (a broker) to allow the use of that individual’s energy for whatever your adult child needs to exchange with the world? It’s not pretty. Lots of people want to tell this person to “grow up”! Co-dependence is a term that has been developed to describe this condition: when an adult-appearing individual utilizes another adult’s energy, usually without conscious agreement from the broker. I call a person behaving in this way a “Lifestyle Energy Sapper,” one who knows of no other way to live than to live enmeshed with other people, needing them to be a part of whatever that individual is doing in the world.

Interestingly, most people with whom I have discussed co-dependence believe that it is “normal.” I do not agree. I believe that humans are designed to grow out of co-dependence, just as we grow out of bed-wetting. Sadly, most parents have not been apprised of this possibility, and so they don’t offer the help children need in order to grow past co-dependence. We have accepted that “everybody manipulates,” not realizing that manipulation may be common, but it’s not really “normal”!

eNannySource:  When do children begin to grow out of it?

Ilene: Remember when your two-year old was announcing “me do it myself!”? Two year olds are driven to begin growing out of co-dependence. Unfortunately for them, however, their body and brain have not yet developed to the point where they can put energy mainly through themselves. They still need a broker for a while.

Somewhere between the ages of 3 and 4, a child develops the ability to ask for what s/he wants, to pull the blanket up to keep warm, to get a glass of water on his/her own and to do a lot of things without needing to have a broker manage the exchange. They’re not perfect at this yet, but it’s the time humans can begin to grow out of energy-sapping and move toward adulthood. As childhood goes on, that child is designed to take on more and more of the responsibility for exchanging energy directly with his/her world.

Babies “need” another person to act as a broker; without such a broker they will die. Adults, on the other hand, “want” to have others be with them, give to them and work on their behalf, but without such behaviors from other adults, they will still survive. The difference between a co-dependent person and an adult is this very difference between “need” and “want.”

eNannySource:  What things hamper a child’s independence?

Ilene: Parents usually miss helping their child grow out of co-dependence for three reasons. First, they don’t know that children need help with this part of life, so they don’t give it. Second, they believe that asking a small child to start taking responsibility for his/her life is too much (even when the child takes over this responsibility gradually). Third, they are themselves manipulative (never grew out of it), and therefore feel they “need” to stay enmeshed with their children, not at all wishing those children to develop independence.

These are the biggest reasons children have difficulty becoming independent, too. Couple them with the fear most parents have about children being kidnapped, sexually abused or hurt, and parents begin to hover in the style that has been called “helicopter parenting.” This style of parenting can cripple children for life, even though the parents are operating from loving concern. Hara Moreno, an editor for Psychology Today magazine, has written A Nation of Wimps, an exposition of what this costs our children and our democracy. Being fearful, helicopter parents who don’t allow our children independence also robs them of their ability to make good decisions and develop confidence in themselves.

eNannySource:  What can parents do to help them grow out of it?

Ilene: To help our children grow out of co-dependence, we need to 1) Realize they need our help. 2) Encourage our child(ren) to take as much responsibility as they want to or can (without heavy overload), realizing that responsibility is one of the primary building blocks of self-esteem, and that all children experience a drive to be in charge of their own lives and choices. We can partner with our children on this, allowing them to be independent decision-makers, based on their capability and level of development. 3) Address our own co-dependence, moving ourselves to “want” from others, but not to be in “need” of others for our well-being in our own lives.

eNannySource:  What are your best three tips for raising independent children?

Ilene: Ultimately, parents want to raise children to live comfortably both independently and inter-dependently.

There are three good ways to do this. 1) Encourage your child to make decisions from the very early years, managing the early-years decisions by giving only two possibilities at a time, and gradually allowing more choices as your child matures. 2) Allow your child to make mistakes. Celebrate the mistakes as well as the great decisions. Jim Fay (Love and Logic Institute) says he is happy when he learns that a child has made a mistake because he knows that child is in process of learning something!  3) Review choices your child has made with him or her, determining whether the outcome is what s/he desires. If it is not, guide your child in making and testing a new choice. This will build your child’s confidence in his/her ability to make decisions and trust his/her judgment!

eNannySource:  Is there anything else you’d like to share?

Ilene: Many people believe manipulation is harmless. It is not. When individuals grow bodies that look adult, but are operating emotionally like a three year old (which is what happens when we don’t grow out of manipulation), their lives can become very painful. They are easily involved in abusive relationships, for example. Abusive relationships result when two people are so fearful of being separate (independent) that they remain in situations where they are not treated well.

Therapists do not work with abuse perpetrators and victims in the same therapy sessions, usually, because it is so difficult to determine who really is the perpetrator and who really is the victim! When we have two individuals who are afraid they won’t survive if they don’t hang on to that other person, each becomes helpless and ineffectual. To make up for this, they attempt to control each other. Nobody likes to be controlled, so anger develops. You can see the loop of abuse and co-dependence developing as I describe the scenario. As a parent, you can protect your child from getting into abusive relationships by assisting them to grow out of co-dependence, as humans are really designed to do!

Then, your child will become an adult who is comfortable being alone as well as being together with partners. S/he will be able to set clear and firm boundaries, which in turn allows for greater intimacy and closeness. Your adult child will feel confident, be able to trust his/her judgment and know what good decisions s/he is capable of making. You’ll be delighted to have raised a child to adulthood who can stand tall, be emotionally self-reliant, and who still is able to connect deeply with others.

Ilene Dillon, LMFT and LCSW, is a family and life coach, author, teleseminar leader, professional speaker and has worked for 40 years as a California-based Family Therapist. Get your free 10-page report on Incredible Communication by visiting Ilene at www.raiseincrediblekids.com. Ilene is the author of The ABCs of Anger: Building Emotional Foundations for Life, The ABCs of Love, The ABCs of Loneliness, and When Fledglings Return: How to Stay Sane and Loving When Adult Children Come Back Home to Stay (Kindle). Contact Ilene at admin@raiseincrediblekids.com

by Michelle LaRowe
Editor in Chief

If anyone understands the plight of the working mom, it is Deborah Gilboa, MD., a board certified family physician and mother of four. Dr. Gilboa, better known as Dr. G., shares parenting advice and answers parenting questions on her website www.AskDoctorG.com. Recently I had the chance to connect with Dr. G and ask her some of the most pressing questions parents have. Here’s what she had to say.

eNannySource: With four boys and a medical practice how do you manage kids, career and home?

Doctor G.: I am incredibly lucky! My husband and I each work part-time and structure our schedule so that one of us is always free to be home with the kids. Also, we had the good sense to move close to my mother-in-law, who is very involved with us and the boys.

eNannySource: What’s your best advice for new moms?

Doctor G.: There is no “right” answer. You will not always feel like you have it all together. Guess what? No one does! Even that mom who shows up with her two month old in an adorable outfit with no stains and the matching car seat cover, who looks like she stepped off a magazine cover? She gets frustrated, overwhelmed and stuck often too. Give yourself the gift of some forgiveness and remember that no one knows this baby better than you and your partner do. Trust your instincts.

eNannySource: What about moms who struggle with guilt? What do you say to working moms?

Doctor G.: I say that you have to look at your life and make sure you are passing on to your kids the values that matter to you. Working moms pass on great values – independence, responsibility and resilience are just a few! If guilt is telling you that your life has gotten away from your priorities, then look for a way to make a shift. If you are living your necessities and priorities, then let the guilt go, it’s an indulgence you don’t have need (or time) for!

eNannySource: When it comes to tragedies, how much information should parents share with their kids? What should say they say?

Doctor G.: Parents need to first look at the ages and development of their kids. When tragedies occur in the world, but don’t directly touch your kids, sometimes they do not need to know. The tragedies that do touch your family need to be shared with kids, so that they can get experience and practice at expressing their emotions and recovering from adversity. When you do share difficulties or tragedies, give kids information in small bites so they have a chance to ask the questions they have. Then, don’t try to tell them how to feel, just reflect back to them what you hear. “I hear you say you are angry that happened, and scared.” Lastly, point out the acts of compassion and humanity that surround tragedies, and give kids that want to an opportunity to do something meaningful to help.

eNannySource: What’s the most common behavioral problem today’s parents are experiencing? What’s your best advice?

Doctor G.: The behavioral problem I hear about most often is “a bad attitude.” This usually describes a child who is talking back or refusing to do what a parent or other adult has asked. My answer is this: Kids need very badly to learn what respectful communication looks like. We need to model it, give examples and require them to speak to us this way. If we don’t do all these things, children and teens will be shocked when a teacher or boss refuses to listen. Explain what you expect, give good examples and set down consequences if your child doesn’t speak respectfully, all the time, no matter how bad their mood. Then enforce those consequences. And do your very best not to take your own bad moods out on your kids.

eNannySource: Is there anything else you’d like to share?

Doctor G.: On YouTube, I have a series of 1-2 minute parenting tips, each with one way to make kids as respectful, responsible and resilient as you want them to be. I hope your readers will check these out and subscribe or share them!

Lastly, I’m thrilled to be hosting a new parenting show for PBS, “iQ SmartParent.” This is a show with tools for parents (and nannies!) to raise media-savvy kids in the 21st century. Our first episode, all about video and online games, will be available in its entirety in late February online. I hope you’ll all check it out!

Doctor G. (Deborah Gilboa, MD) has been empowering parents around the country to increase their knowledge and utilize the parenting instincts they already have, but that have been dampened by stress, doubt and guilt, so that they may raise their kids to be people they respect and admire. As a Board Certified Family Physician, mother of four and a professional parenting speaker and writer, she follows four basic principles when guiding parents from toddlerhood to young adulthood – Respect, Responsibility, Responsiveness and Resilience. To learn more about Doctor G. visit www.askdoctorg.com.