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What to Do When Your Nanny Texts Too Much

Tuesday, February 12th, 2013

It seems that phones today are used less for making actual phone calls and more for texting people and surfing the Web, something that can be a great convenience or a great distraction. Texting has become a concern for many nanny employers as more and more nannies come to work equipped with smart phones and make regular texting a part of their day. So what should you do if you feel your nanny is texting too much during the day? Here are some tips to help work out the issue.

Think through your fears and feelings. Before you approach your nanny, take some time to understand your objections. Are you afraid that she isn’t paying enough attention to your child because she’s texting? Are you afraid your child’s safety is at risk because your nanny is distracted by her phone? Are you annoyed because you’re paying her to work and not chat with her friends? When you understand how you feel, you’re much better prepared to have a productive conversation.

Decide what limitations on texting you’re comfortable with. Before talking with your nanny about the issue, think about how much texting, if any, you would be comfortable with. Would you be fine with your nanny texting while your child was napping? If your nanny were texting to plan activities for your child with nanny friends, would that be all right? Do you want her to text you updates and pictures throughout the day on what your child is doing? It’s important to get your nanny’s input when coming up with a final plan, but you have to know your own limits too.

Be aware that those limits may change over time. If you recently hired your nanny, you might be much more cautious because you don’t know her well. You might feel more comfortable with her texting once you’ve built up feelings of trust. Your child’s age may matter too. Texting may bother you more now that your child is an active toddler than when he was a baby napping for a good part of the day.

Talk with your nanny about the issue. Giving constructive criticism isn’t an easy job. This is especially true in the nanny/family relationship, where the lines between the personal and professional relationship are often blurred. However, it’s important that you address your concerns directly with your nanny and work towards a solution, rather than just letting things worsen.

Outline your concerns to your nanny and let her know how you feel about her excessive texting during the day. Let her know that overall you think she’s doing a terrific job and highlight the other things she does on the job that you really appreciate. Give her the opportunity to share her thoughts and give an explanation. Chances are, she never realized her texting was a problem for you. Outline the limits that you’d like to put in place, being as specific as possible. Vague guidelines like “Texting is OK when you’re not busy” or “Just make sure your texting doesn’t get in the way of paying attention to Derek” don’t offer any real guidance. Guidelines like “Only text when the baby is napping” or “Only text when she’s at school or in an afterschool class” let the nanny know exactly what your expectations are. Talk with her about how she feels about these new limits and how they might affect her attitude on the job. Many nannies see texting friends and family as a daily lifeline to the outside world and don’t want to give it up. Your nanny may feel your limits are too confining or controlling. If that’s the case, you want to know that so you can work with your nanny towards a solution that works for both of you. Generally, when both sides have an equal chance to share their feelings honestly, a compromise can be found.

Check in with your nanny. It’s always a good idea to check in with your nanny after you’ve discussed a problem or put a new agreement in place. This is no different. Let her know you appreciate her efforts in working through the texting issue with you and see how the new limits are working for her. Thank her again for taking such great care of your child. Knowing her hard work is appreciated will go a long way to smooth over any hurt feelings.

Excessive texting while on the job is a new, but growing problem many nanny employers face. If you find yourself in this situation, addressing the issue head on is the best way to find a solution that works for both sides.

Posted in Nanny Conflict, Nanny Discipline, Nanny Employer | Comments Off

30 Blogs Nannies Should Try for Discipline Ideas

Wednesday, August 15th, 2012

Reality television shows like SuperNanny have created something of a false impression regarding nanny disciplinary techniques by enforcing the idea that the majority of nannies are engaged by parents who are struggling with problem behaviors and are searching for corrective childcare services. However this is not actually an accurate view of the private childcare industry. Professional nannies know that most parents actively seek a nanny whose disciplinary style compliments their own, which creates a need for nannies to be well-informed about a variety of child-rearing methods and styles.

There is such a wide variety of parenting and childcare blogs available that nannies are no longer required to spend a small fortune at the book store every time they get a new post; instead there’s a wealth of information on line, right at your fingertips. These thirty blogs feature posts that run the gamut of parenting and disciplinary styles, and nannies are encouraged to research the elements of each style and attempt to adapt their own style of discipline to include elements of that favored by her charges’ parents.

Permissive Parenting

Permissive parenting is characterized by a lack of hard-and-fast rules, uses gentle corrective action, and values lenience over authority. While this style of parenting is sometimes decried as “indulgent” parenting, there are many parents who are fiercely devoted to this non-confrontational style of child-rearing.

Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parents are characterized by their strict rules and non-responsive attitudes, and usually favor punishment over less harsh discipline. Most also have extremely high expectations and don’t always feel the need to explain their reasoning behind rules and punishments.

Authoritative Parenting

Falling somewhere between permissive and authoritarian parenting styles on the spectrum, authoritative parents enforce rules and boundaries, while encouraging independence and expressing affection. Authoritative parents have high expectations for their children, and discipline them when rules are broken, but do not withhold affection and encouragement.

Attachment Parenting

Parents that subscribe to the attachment parenting theory popularized by pediatrician Dr. William Sears are likely to have very strong ideas about the type of discipline their children are subjected to and the methods by which it’s carried out. Based around the theory that children form emotional bonds with their caregivers during early childhood that shape their lives throughout adulthood, attachment parenting tends to take a very gentle approach to discipline.

Natural Consequence Parenting

Using natural consequences as a form of discipline is a matter-of-fact approach that allows kids to see the consequences of their actions without threatening, bargaining, or giving in and interfering to affect the outcome of a situation.

Positive Reinforcement Parenting

Positive reinforcement as a method of parenting focuses less on telling children how not to behave, and more on rewarding good behavior as a means of encouraging continued good conduct. Adherents theorize that children learn to associate good behavior with pleasurable outcomes, and then actively seek those outcomes by choosing not to misbehave.

It’s important for nannies to respect the chosen parenting methods of their employers, even if they don’t agree with them; in the end, the parents have the right to make the final call regarding how and why their children are disciplined.

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10 Tips for Disciplining Kids in Front of their Friends

Tuesday, February 7th, 2012

There are times when parents are forced to discipline their children in the presence of others, which can be quite tricky. This delicate situation should be handled as such, in order to avoid damaging a child’s self esteem and leading to taunts from the observing classmates. These ten tips can strike a balance between effectiveness and overly harsh when your child is acting out in public.

Acknowledge the Behavior – Immediately acknowledging inappropriate or naughty behavior in a calm voice lets your child know that you are aware of the situation, and that their behavior isn’t acceptable.
Pull Them Aside – If at all possible, separate your child from his or her friends before doing anything more than acknowledgment; explaining to them in a one-on-one setting that there are repercussions for making poor behavioral choices is much more constructive than berating the child in the presence of their peers.
Inform Them of Impending Discussions – When it’s not possible to pull your child aside, simply inform them that you’re aware of what they’ve done, and will be discussing it and the resulting disciplinary action when you get home.
Keep Your Voice Down- Never shout at your child, especially in a group setting. In addition to creating the impression that you’re an angry parent, it also embarrasses your child by attracting more attention to the situation.
Avoid Humiliation – Belittling a child is never acceptable, but it’s certainly not the right track when they’re surrounded by others. It is possible to be respectful of your children while expressing disapproval for their actions, and it’s the best possible route in public.
Don’t Talk About Behavior While Driving – If you’re at an event or away from home when the behavioral problem occurs, avoid the temptation to discuss it on the way home. In addition to the risk of distraction-related accidents, the trip will give you time to sort your thoughts and cool off.
Don’t Make Threats – Threatening your child with a punishment in front of their friends definitely falls under the “Humiliation” header for them, but it can cause other parents to become suspicious.
Avoid Commenting on Their Friends’ Behavior – Even if you know that one of your child’s friends was the ringleader, it’s best not to engage that child or attempt to scold them. Emphasizing the importance of making the right choice when others aren’t is the key to instilling a sense of self in your child.
Don’t Be Critical – Making criticizing remarks about your child’s behavior or abilities is hurtful anytime, but that pain is compounded if the remarks are overheard. Choose your words carefully, and avoid “You always…” and “You never…” statements.
Keep It Short and Simple – Long lectures will leave your child’s mind wandering and can also create an opportunity for their peers to tease them later.

Regardless of your parenting style, disciplining a child in public is bound to be awkward for both parties. The most important thing to keep in mind is that humiliating your child will only lead to more behavioral problems; try to solve things as quickly and constructively as possible.

Posted in Child Care Tips, Nanny Discipline | 1 Comment »

10 Reasons Nannies Don’t Love SuperNanny

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

SuperNanny and its primary competitor, Nanny 911, are a pair of shows that television networks promote as “reality” programming. In both of these shows the set-up is basically the same, in that upper-middle-class families who have multiple children, who are not angels, need to call in expert help to save the families from imploding. The expert help is the super nanny, a regular Mary Poppins on steroids. The nannies come to the rescue of befuddled parents and caregivers, and they turn all the little imps (sorry… it’s true) into model children using little more than Dr. Phil types of advice. The nannies do everything so much better than anyone else can, and they make it look super easy. Reaction among nannies in the real world that you and I inhabit has been mixed, but tends toward not loving it and here are some of the reasons why:

Unrealistic – “Reality” television is pretty much everything except reality. Networks and studios put these shows out because they are cheap to make and have a car-wreck appeal.
False Comparisons – In the real world even a “super nanny” would not handle the crises as though everyone was on some kind of game show.
Bad Advice – The simplistic solutions are hardly what is called for in a real situation. When a nanny actually has to handle a crisis, she has to be able to think on her feet, and she isn’t likely to find her answers in neat little packages.
Dr. Phil – SuperDooperNanny is all about the image of “tough love” and control, and there is some merit to the approach, but it is taken much too far. When solutions are no more than recycled Dr. Phil advice, formulaic and domineering, there is little translation to what real families and nannies face every day.
Only the Wealthy – Judging by the TV show, it seems that only well-to-do families with three-or-more children employ nannies, and it is hard for less affluent working parents to relate to the country club lifestyles portrayed on television. The reality is that nannies can be very affordable for families with a modest budget especially compared to the rising costs of traditional daycare centers.
Drama – There’s enough “drama” on one episode of SuperNanny or Nanny 911 to fill an entire decade of real life. More nannies have to deal with diapers and dishes than they do with most of the shenanigans on the shows.
All About Nanny – Nannies are often considered part of the family, but the shows would have you believe that the nanny is the leading player, which is rarely the case.
Takes Herself too Seriously – Nannies are professional caregivers, not philosophy professors and lecturers, and most families aren’t full of incompetent fools, which is how it seems to work on both shows.
Guest Stars – SuperNanny gets to call in people like NBA star Dwayne Wade when she has a kid that needs a talking-to. Most real families would be lucky to get Larry the Cable Guy (“Get ‘er done!”).
Controversial – The sensationalism of the shows is a turn-off to many in the childcare industry. There is a lot more peace and harmony in most households than you will ever see portrayed on a “reality” show.

If “reality” programming is something you find entertaining (I have to admit I usually do…), then by all means watch it. Just don’t be fooled into thinking it’s 100% real. The biggest advantage of SuperNanny is the understanding that help is available if and when you need it and that you can and should feel comfortable turning to a professional nanny for assistance with your family (just don’t expect them to show up wearing a cape and trying to immediately save the day).

Posted in hiring a nanny, Nanny Discipline | Comments Off

Barbaric or Better? 10 Ways Kids Were Disciplined in the 70′s

Friday, September 30th, 2011

Sometimes I stop and reflect on my childhood which is mostly full of very fond memories of growing up in the 70′s and 80′s. We had an amazing family which spent a ton of time together playing outside, going on picnics, and all kinds of other fun activities. Of course, being a kid I would frequently make bad decisions that would result in me actually deserving to be punished (even though I completely disagreed back in the day). I was particularly fond of competing, fighting, and generally pestering my brother. Well needless to say my parents had to step in and correct both of us on multiple occasions and sometimes they did it using techniques that no doubt would be considered barbaric by today’s standards. However, as I go through this list I think it’s worth at least considering whether in some cases these truly are barbaric or possibly better and more effective ways to discipline children.

Spanking – A common form of discipline that has been all but eliminated today is spanking. Now known as corporal punishment, hitting a child in any way has been outlawed in 24 countries worldwide. My parents never spared the rod to spoil the child and our biggest fear was to get the paddle instead of the hand. I have to say it was effective without leaving any visible/permanent scars. My parents actually had a favorite paddle that they hung above the doorway leading to our bedrooms. My brother and I frequently used our dart guns to knock the paddle down so we could hide it (especially if we knew we had done something wrong).
No supper – Another typical punishment that is rarely practiced today is getting sent to your room without any supper. Hunger is a powerful motivator so this was also a pretty effective form of discipline. Not only were you denied nourishment, you also were secluded from the rest of the family as they enjoyed their evening meal, TV shows, and general fun (which always seemed to be 10X better than when you were out there with them).
Washing your mouth out with soap – Back in the 70’s the penalty for lying, swearing or saying a dirty word was to get your mouth washed out with soap. This form of discipline would probably be considered barbaric today (we probably would need a few more studies on the ingestion of chemicals to be sure). I must admit, this was also very effective, because you didn’t hear children cursing or telling fibs nearly as often as you do today. The taste of soap can linger in your mouth for a very long time (trust me I know).
Slap hands – It used to be pretty easy for a parent to let a child know what not to touch with a quick slap to the back of their hand. Now this would also be considered corporal punishment and is frowned upon. I remember a fourth grade teacher who would use a ruler to the back of your hand for discipline and she was greatly feared by all the students. However, there were no shenanigans going on in HER classroom.
Stand in the corner – A standard discipline for a misbehaving child back in the 70’s was to be sent to a corner to stand there facing the wall for a set amount of time. This has been replaced with what is now called a “time out”. I really don’t see what the difference is other than the added humiliation of facing the wall and the physical demands of standing still for a long period of time. With that said, just try it sometime and see how long it is before you want to cop a squat.
Holding a match – Parents that caught their children playing with fire or matches had a rather barbaric method of teaching them a valuable lesson. To instill in their kids the dangers of fire, they were forced to hold a lighted match until it burned their fingers. This would really smart without causing a serious burn, but parents who tried this form of punishment today would probably be arrested (I’m quite certain this is a bad idea… but it is something you will never forget).
Grounded for a month – As kids get older and too big to spank, the next most effective threat of punishment was to be grounded for a whole month. Modern parents don’t usually go to that extreme any more. A day or two (a week at most) seems to be the extent of time kids get grounded these days.
Nasty chores – Parents of the 70’s could find very inventive ways to instill discipline in their children by making them do really nasty chores as punishment. Scrubbing floors with a toothbrush or cleaning the toilets were common retribution for any variety of misdeeds. Of course, farm kids had much more nasty, filthy jobs forced on them than city kids. My least favorite had to be the toothbrush to the toilet (okay, ANYTHING involving the toilets).
Embarrass them – A form of psychological torture parents would inflict on their misbehaving children was to embarrass them in front of their friends. Nothing could be worse than having all your friends know that you wet your bed or were caught with girly mags. How many kids were scarred for life by this inhumane treatment?
Smoking – Parents who caught their kids smoking had an interesting way of teaching them a lesson by making them smoke cigarettes until they got sick. So you think you want to smoke? Try smoking the whole pack one after the other while your parents watch you turn green. It may have been cruel, but effective, at least for a while. Of course, it could backfire on you as well…

I’m not sure why this popped into my head but it has been an interesting trip down memory lane for me. Several of these techniques clearly belong in the past but I’m not so sure that a few of these techniques didn’t make me a better and stronger person in the end. There does seem to be a general lack of discipline with a lot of kids nowadays and I’m sure there are multiple reasons why that is happening. One of which could be that we have abandoned the harsher forms of discipline, but that’s the question of the day; were they barbaric or better?

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